Friday, July 6, 2012

#20 - Struggling

-- Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts.
                                        -- Edward R. Murrow

To say that the last month or more has been difficult, would be a severe understatement.  My diet has been loose and as a result, the scale has been unforgiving.   Work outs have been good and I feel stronger every day, but that is just the physical side of things.   The mental side is breaking down.

I am finding it too easy to rationalize bad food choices.   I am also eating too much of the good food choices.   And to add insult to injury, I am not keeping my food journal so I really have no idea how poorly I am eating.

All of this combined to give me the worst month of my journey.   For the entire month of may, I managed a meager 0.6 pound weight loss.  It is completely frustrating and infuriating because I know I am better than that.   I also know that if I want to make it to most of my goals, I have to produce much better numbers than that.

-- Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.
                                                    -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

And now, I am faced with a family trip to Colorado.  Normally, this is something I really look forward to doing.   This time, I am scared.   I am in the least secure mental space of my entire journey.  You only have to read my blog post about my meltdown on a previous trip to know why I am worried this time.   My family just doesn't get it.  They want to help and, with good intentions, offer to cook more meals at the cabin.  This is fine and dandy, but it isn't just being at restaurants.   My difficulties with this trip are that not only will I have to watch them eat all the junk food, but I will also have to be the reason they don't get to go eat/do what they want to do.   Why aren't we going out to eat?  Kevin.   Why aren't we going to the Taffy Shop?   Kevin.   Why aren't we doing Smores over a firepit?  Kevin.   Who wants that role?  

But, in the end, I will probably go.   I will try to maintain so I can watch my niece and nephews have fun in the mountains.   But I am terrified.   I get the news that I am in the least control of my journey in 14 months two days before I go on a trip practically designed to derail me.

--  In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
                              --  Albert Einstein

As for the general problem with my journey,  I need new motivation.  All my old goals still hold true and I still feel the same desires for success that I have had in the past.  But for whatever reason, they are not providing me with the same resolve that I have had in the past.   

So, I am going to re-read these blog entries.  I am going to list my successes.  I am going to acknowledge my failings.   And hopefully, I can find new motivations or, at the very least, renewed resolve.  The situation isn't drastically different.  The path to success is more or less the same.  It has to come from me. 

-- Things do not change; we change.
                       -- Henry David Thoreau

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry that you are/were struggling. That is frustrating. I find it infuriating when I can't "make" myself do the things that I know are the right things to do for me and my health. Your family understands more than you know. Everyone is trying in their own way to help you to be successful. We all want that for you. But as you so eloquently said, we can't do it for you (though there are some of us who may try) and we can't stop you either. Though we may do things along your way out of ignorance, indifference, or sheer selfishness that makes your journey harder, ultimately you get to be the champion. You get to come out the other side stronger. You CAN do this. You HAVE done this. You have succeeded in SO many ways. FOCUS on the victories, FOCUS on your health, and begin to find the balance. When to be flexible and when to be rigid. Good luck, Kevin. I love you so much and I know you can do this. I am so proud of you!!