Monday, October 10, 2011

Entry #6 - The Mind of a Fat Man.

-- Success is not a place at which one arrives but rather the spirit with which one undertakes and continues the journey.
-- Alex Noble

Ok, thanks for sticking with me. I think I can wrap up the rest of the back story in two more posts (maybe). However, I will be glossing over a large number of weeks. This is the problem with starting so late in the process. I can't remember everything that happened during this time. I know that I had made some dramatic strides in my development, but I don't remember when it occurred. For example, somewhere along the line (I believe it was after Colorado) Marty decided I could start participating in bootcamp. This was great! No longer would I sit on the sidelines and watch. I could be a part of this group I admired. But since dates and events are lost to the past, I will stick to the big events and what I can remember.

It should come as no surprise that someone who weighs 500+ lbs has a bit of an addiction to food. An unfortunate amount of thinking is spent on what to eat or what could be eaten. Paradoxically, there is also a lack of thinking and eating on impulse. One seems to waver between thinking obsessively about food and reflexively eating whatever is present.

This is not the first time I have attempted to lose this weight. I have tried Weight Watchers a couple of times and worked with personal trainers a couple of times. The end of at least one of those attempts came as a complete surprise to me. I was simply eating a large amount of something unhealthy and I thought to myself, "I must be off my diet." I tried to think back and identify the moment I went off the wagon, but I couldn't identify what went wrong. This haunts me as I make yet another attempt. If I can't even identify why I fell off the wagon, how can I avoid whatever it was that tripped me up? I'm sorry, it doesn't just haunt me .... it scares me to death.

-- What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me.
-- Helen Keller

This is why I was excited for Marty's next leg of this journey. He was starting bootcamp classes designed to get us into our heads. He wanted us thinking about the mental side of our relationship with food and eating. It required a lot of personal reflection and self-analysis. This was both helpful and difficult to face. It cast light on things I had intentionally stowed in the dark. But in the end, it is really helpful in getting us to think, not react. I don't want to go into this in more detail because it is Marty's program to share with whomever he wishes. Suffice it to say that I think it can help a lot of people.

Armed with what I had learned from Marty, I began soul searching. Were there foods I could eat in moderation if I so chose? Were there foods that were simply the beginning of a slippery slope that ends at failure? If I am craving a particular food, what triggered the craving? How can I avoid it? I wanted to be proactive on this side of the weight loss issue, almost obsessively so. I am so scared of regressing while I look the other way. I don't want to be caught off guard. So I am trying to do all I can to arm myself against that.

-- People only see what they are prepared to see.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

On a happier note, I started to get into golf this summer. At the risk of repeating myself like a broken record, it is not a sport available to the man who can't move. And let me tell you ... I am a gem on the golf course. I can complete 18 holes at a par 3 course in just under 300 strokes. I am TERRIBLE!!! But golf is an insidious opponent. The golf gods give me one or two fantastic moments in every round of golf. It is just enough to make me want to play more. Why do I put myself through this? Honestly, I could give up golf and never look back, but it has given me time to be with friends who are often too busy to get together. And for that reason, I will practice for hours on end just to make myself the most average golfer you've ever seen. Oh, who am I kidding. I'll never make it to average. :)

-- While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
-- Henny Youngman

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