-- Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.
-- Francois de La Rouchefoucauld
Well, I've already broken my very short streak of weekly posts. However, this was not due to any backslide or lack of progress. I simply got busy.
Last week, I was excitedly preparing for a weekend trip to Colorado with some of my family. It was the annual J.G.W. (Just Guys Weekend). Participants included myself, my father, brother-in-law and two of my four nephews. My oldest nephew has grown so old and responsible that he was unable to attend because his job required him to work on one of the days we were gone. While this was sad for us, we are also extremely proud that he made the right decision to honor his work commitments. And the youngest nephew would have loved to come, I'm sure. However, my dad has assured my sister that Baby B doesn't truly become a "guy" for the JGW until he is out of diapers. It seems an unreasoning prejudice against the toilet challenged, but for some reason I find that I can live with this policy.
-- In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.
-- Aristotle
Overall, the trip was fantastic. I absolutely LOVE Colorado and the time I spend out there. Some may argue that to go to a Colorado location devoid of ski resorts in the dead of winter is ludicrous. However, I disagree. It is incredibly gorgeous during this time of year. The snow sets off the mountains placing stark contrast between the ridges, valleys, canyons and crevasses. It even sets off the forests in a fashion which, if you will excuse the old saying, allows you to see the forest for the trees.
We managed to enjoy a few short hikes and a lot of good family time. However, these family trips are always a challenge for me. The family will enjoy whatever foods they want and I will be put in the position of being around some of the things that I crave. I managed pretty well on this trip and, aside from one moment of weakness where I had to leave the dinner table and go outside, all was well. I don't know if I am getting better at this, if my family is being more understanding of my issues, or this was just too short a trip to really challenge myself. I imagine it is a combination of all three. I do know (and certainly appreciate) that my brother-in-law took pains to not get strong smelling snacks at the gas stations along the way. He knows that sitting in the car and smelling the chips or chili dogs is difficult for me. I appreciate it greatly and wish I were stronger so that he wouldn't be required to make these accommodations for me. But this will do in the interim.
All this said, my results on the scale were disappointing. My results for two week's effort were a mere pound and a half. I am awaiting next week's weigh-in before I really get upset. Marty and I have both noticed that there is a post-Colorado bloat that has happened to me in the past. That and the fact that I was sick a couple of days before my weigh-in may have resulted in some water retention after I resumed normal eating. Those could just be lame excuses, but I am hanging on to them until I learn otherwise.
My thoughts for the week:
A great many good things are going on in my life. Friends are having children. I am enjoying my outside hobbies. Things are good! I need to capitalize on my happy happy joy joy feelings and use it to drive further results.
-- He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.
-- Socrates
I am also prepared to make another goal for this year. I may never become a runner. I don't know yet if I have a true love of the sport. However, I do want to run a 5k. I have walked several. Even jogged short distances on a couple. But I want to really run one. The whole way. (God help me) So, it is my intention this summer to complete an entire 5k jogging. This will be a stepping stone to bigger things if I find that I enjoy the activity.
Today, Marty gave a speech at a local business and he had me share a small portion of my story with the group assembled. I think it was good for me. No, I don't enjoy bragging or in some fashion glorifying my journey. However, it forced me to list some of the difficulties I had when I was larger and acknowledge the success I have achieved regardless of whatever backslides I have had. It is interesting to be reminded of all that I have accomplished thus far. And it reaffirms my position that all Square One members should be forced to record their story. It is an affirmation of how they are doing. And reminders of how far we have come can only help to spur ourselves to greater success.
-- There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-- Maya Angelou
So dear reader, it isn't much to report this week, but I hope to give you more soon.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
#24 - The Pay Off
So .....
You mean that if you ...
eat the right amount of calories ...
and go to your workouts ...
and maximize your efforts in those workouts ...
then ...
you ...
lose ...
weight?
Really? Remarkable!
-- Doing the right thing has power.
-- Laura Linney
I, of course, knew this all along. However, it seems so confusing that I didn't realize this months ago and turn it all around.
The bottom line is that exercise and reduced calories means weight loss. But there is a rather big caveat to that bottom line. It isn't easy. And more than that, it has a varying degree of difficulty for each person wanting to lose weight. All those minions at the large chain gyms try to lose that holiday 5 pounds they put on eating whatever they wanted. They will shed those pounds by merely looking at a treadmill. For those of us with a lot of weight to lose, it is a bit more difficult.
Food addiction constantly tempts us with foods that are counter productive to our journey. You may be able to fit a Twinkie into your daily calories but you are going to be hungrier for not having nutrition, protein or something to actually fill you up. The addicted brain says, "Eat it" "Eat it", but logically you know it will ruin your ability to lose weight. I wish there were an easy answer to this problem but if there is, I have not yet found it. I do, however, find that the longer I don't indulge in certain temptations, the easier it is to resist them.
The time involved in losing the weight is also something that works against us. That yoga yahoo, who had a few cookies over Christmas or a few wings at the bar on New Year's Eve, will be back at her fighting weight in a week or two. So naturally, a "diet" is an easy thing for her. I work out with people who have months if not years of work ahead of them. It takes dedication and determination on a whole different level to get to where we want to be. The next time someone tells you to just eat less and exercise, you tell them "You just jogged to your car, why don't you just run a marathon?"
-- Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other.
-- Walter Elliot
To my compatriots, I salute you. We have a tough journey ahead of us. Perfection isn't an option. There will be ups and downs. We just need to keep this roller coaster pointing in a generally downward direction overall. I am hopeful that my roller coaster is done ratcheting up the steep hill that I allowed it to do over the past few months. I'm ready for a little free fall right now.
Wow. Way to beat a metaphor to death.
-- Man needs his difficulties because they are necessary to enjoy success.
-- Abdul Kalam
My thoughts for the week:
Very positive! I kept my food journal all week. On top of that, I stayed below that dreaded sad face all week. I added some extra workouts and tried to push myself harder in each workout.
And you know what? It paid off. I lost 6.2 lbs this week. Not too bad.
It isn't all wonderful. I have a nagging leg problem that is hindering workouts. And the food issues were neither easy nor perfectly controlled. I had some indiscretions with my eating but I didn't let them go overboard (calorically speaking). And for those on the journey, here is the key: When I ate something I shouldn't, I turned it around immediately. I am a victim of the All or Nothing thinking. "I shouldn't have eaten that. Well, this day is shot. Might as well eat some more stuff I want." Why do we turn one minor mistake as an excuse to make a huge blunder? This week, I didn't do this. I gave myself a little grief for my poor choice and then moved on.
Perhaps this is a key element? There are no irrecoverable mistakes. So why do we allow them to derail us? Accept enough guilt to help prevent it from happening again and then move on. It is when I wallow in my own self-pity or self-loathing over the mistake that I continue to shove unhealthy foods into my mouth. If you acknowledge the mistake so you can avoid it in the future and then get immediately back on track, there IS ... NO ... FAILURE! It immediately transforms that silly mistake into a victory! And we can all use some more victories.
-- Failure is success if we learn from it.
-- Malcolm Forbes
Well, this is by no means a trend yet. But, it can certainly become a trend if I continue to push myself to correct behaviors and extra effort. I am, however, ecstatic about the results this week and will use it as motivation for the coming week. It is all hunky dory when things are going well. I have to store up this good mojo for the tough times.
Goal for the next week: Do some shopping and cook at home more.
-- Perfection does not breed happiness. Results do.
-- Kevin Riley ;-)
You mean that if you ...
eat the right amount of calories ...
and go to your workouts ...
and maximize your efforts in those workouts ...
then ...
you ...
lose ...
weight?
Really? Remarkable!
-- Doing the right thing has power.
-- Laura Linney
I, of course, knew this all along. However, it seems so confusing that I didn't realize this months ago and turn it all around.
The bottom line is that exercise and reduced calories means weight loss. But there is a rather big caveat to that bottom line. It isn't easy. And more than that, it has a varying degree of difficulty for each person wanting to lose weight. All those minions at the large chain gyms try to lose that holiday 5 pounds they put on eating whatever they wanted. They will shed those pounds by merely looking at a treadmill. For those of us with a lot of weight to lose, it is a bit more difficult.
Food addiction constantly tempts us with foods that are counter productive to our journey. You may be able to fit a Twinkie into your daily calories but you are going to be hungrier for not having nutrition, protein or something to actually fill you up. The addicted brain says, "Eat it" "Eat it", but logically you know it will ruin your ability to lose weight. I wish there were an easy answer to this problem but if there is, I have not yet found it. I do, however, find that the longer I don't indulge in certain temptations, the easier it is to resist them.
The time involved in losing the weight is also something that works against us. That yoga yahoo, who had a few cookies over Christmas or a few wings at the bar on New Year's Eve, will be back at her fighting weight in a week or two. So naturally, a "diet" is an easy thing for her. I work out with people who have months if not years of work ahead of them. It takes dedication and determination on a whole different level to get to where we want to be. The next time someone tells you to just eat less and exercise, you tell them "You just jogged to your car, why don't you just run a marathon?"
-- Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other.
-- Walter Elliot
To my compatriots, I salute you. We have a tough journey ahead of us. Perfection isn't an option. There will be ups and downs. We just need to keep this roller coaster pointing in a generally downward direction overall. I am hopeful that my roller coaster is done ratcheting up the steep hill that I allowed it to do over the past few months. I'm ready for a little free fall right now.
Wow. Way to beat a metaphor to death.
-- Man needs his difficulties because they are necessary to enjoy success.
-- Abdul Kalam
My thoughts for the week:
Very positive! I kept my food journal all week. On top of that, I stayed below that dreaded sad face all week. I added some extra workouts and tried to push myself harder in each workout.
And you know what? It paid off. I lost 6.2 lbs this week. Not too bad.
It isn't all wonderful. I have a nagging leg problem that is hindering workouts. And the food issues were neither easy nor perfectly controlled. I had some indiscretions with my eating but I didn't let them go overboard (calorically speaking). And for those on the journey, here is the key: When I ate something I shouldn't, I turned it around immediately. I am a victim of the All or Nothing thinking. "I shouldn't have eaten that. Well, this day is shot. Might as well eat some more stuff I want." Why do we turn one minor mistake as an excuse to make a huge blunder? This week, I didn't do this. I gave myself a little grief for my poor choice and then moved on.
Perhaps this is a key element? There are no irrecoverable mistakes. So why do we allow them to derail us? Accept enough guilt to help prevent it from happening again and then move on. It is when I wallow in my own self-pity or self-loathing over the mistake that I continue to shove unhealthy foods into my mouth. If you acknowledge the mistake so you can avoid it in the future and then get immediately back on track, there IS ... NO ... FAILURE! It immediately transforms that silly mistake into a victory! And we can all use some more victories.
-- Failure is success if we learn from it.
-- Malcolm Forbes
Well, this is by no means a trend yet. But, it can certainly become a trend if I continue to push myself to correct behaviors and extra effort. I am, however, ecstatic about the results this week and will use it as motivation for the coming week. It is all hunky dory when things are going well. I have to store up this good mojo for the tough times.
Goal for the next week: Do some shopping and cook at home more.
-- Perfection does not breed happiness. Results do.
-- Kevin Riley ;-)
Thursday, January 3, 2013
#23 - It starts ..... again.
Today was the first day of the new dedication. I still struggle but I can feel myself getting my determination back in line.
-- We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road.
-- C.S. Lewis
I weighed in today and found that I had lost about 0.8 of a pound. This is both a victory and a frustration. It is a victory because I had managed to finally get those dang numbers going the right direction again. It was a result of a renewed vigor in working out as well as stringing together a couple of decent days (calorically speaking).
The frustration derives form a feeling of failed purpose. I had managed to do very well for two days and then, last night, disaster. I had difficulty sleeping and found myself munching on food that I didn't need. I can't help but think what my weight loss might have been if I hadn't flaked out at the last minute. Perhaps it wouldn't have been drastically different but in the long run, I would have felt more confident with that number if I hadn't given in to temptation a scant 8 hours before the weigh in.
But I refuse to let it get me down. I am basically pleased with my result this week, though it is minimal. It is a move in the right direction. It is the first move in the right direction in several months. For this reason, it is a victory.
-- Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.
-- Brian Tracy
Marty has given us something to ponder. Rather than setting goals based on the scale (which I have still done despite his advice), he wants us to focus on goals pertaining to giving our all. Set a goal which states that you will push yourself to the limits. Set a goal that you will be as diligent on your diet as is humanly possible. Do what is necessary for success. I like this mentality. It focuses on good habits which will eventually lead to the numbers on the scale.
That being said, I have a numbers goal. 46 lbs in two months. This isn't going to be easy, but I want it. And wanting it will drive me to push for it. Why such an odd number you ask? I'm so happy you did. If I can lose the 46 lbs in two months, I will have lost a total of 200 lbs. This is huge for me. It sets me up for future goals too. The 250 lb mark. After that, the under 300 lbs mark. After that, who knows? But this is my plan. Parcel it out. Lofty, but manageable goals like stepping stones will lead me to the ultimate goal of health and a new body.
Why is this thinking different? I've been lamenting at the length of the journey. I've been extremely depressed about my recent backslide because of the "extra" work it causes me as I try to lose the weight I've put back on. I've felt out of control and unmotivated. But in typing that last paragraph, a sequence of events has shown me the possibilities. Could I really be under 300 lbs by next New Years? Absolutely! That is incredible to realize. It builds motivation to push hard and bear down. If I managed another year even remotely close to my first year (a difficult if not nearly impossible task), I could be looking at a total loss of 300 lbs by 2014!
My thoughts for the week:
Mostly positive. I am focusing on correct practices. Trying to limit my failings. Spending time visualizing what I want. Do I want a hamburger? Or do I want to shed this weight? Once I can envision some of the benefits of these goals, I can begin to identify and do the things I need to succeed.
-- Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.
-- Denis Waitley
My goals:
Short Term:
Medium Term:
-- We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road.
-- C.S. Lewis
I weighed in today and found that I had lost about 0.8 of a pound. This is both a victory and a frustration. It is a victory because I had managed to finally get those dang numbers going the right direction again. It was a result of a renewed vigor in working out as well as stringing together a couple of decent days (calorically speaking).
The frustration derives form a feeling of failed purpose. I had managed to do very well for two days and then, last night, disaster. I had difficulty sleeping and found myself munching on food that I didn't need. I can't help but think what my weight loss might have been if I hadn't flaked out at the last minute. Perhaps it wouldn't have been drastically different but in the long run, I would have felt more confident with that number if I hadn't given in to temptation a scant 8 hours before the weigh in.
But I refuse to let it get me down. I am basically pleased with my result this week, though it is minimal. It is a move in the right direction. It is the first move in the right direction in several months. For this reason, it is a victory.
-- Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.
-- Brian Tracy
Marty has given us something to ponder. Rather than setting goals based on the scale (which I have still done despite his advice), he wants us to focus on goals pertaining to giving our all. Set a goal which states that you will push yourself to the limits. Set a goal that you will be as diligent on your diet as is humanly possible. Do what is necessary for success. I like this mentality. It focuses on good habits which will eventually lead to the numbers on the scale.
That being said, I have a numbers goal. 46 lbs in two months. This isn't going to be easy, but I want it. And wanting it will drive me to push for it. Why such an odd number you ask? I'm so happy you did. If I can lose the 46 lbs in two months, I will have lost a total of 200 lbs. This is huge for me. It sets me up for future goals too. The 250 lb mark. After that, the under 300 lbs mark. After that, who knows? But this is my plan. Parcel it out. Lofty, but manageable goals like stepping stones will lead me to the ultimate goal of health and a new body.
Why is this thinking different? I've been lamenting at the length of the journey. I've been extremely depressed about my recent backslide because of the "extra" work it causes me as I try to lose the weight I've put back on. I've felt out of control and unmotivated. But in typing that last paragraph, a sequence of events has shown me the possibilities. Could I really be under 300 lbs by next New Years? Absolutely! That is incredible to realize. It builds motivation to push hard and bear down. If I managed another year even remotely close to my first year (a difficult if not nearly impossible task), I could be looking at a total loss of 300 lbs by 2014!
My thoughts for the week:
Mostly positive. I am focusing on correct practices. Trying to limit my failings. Spending time visualizing what I want. Do I want a hamburger? Or do I want to shed this weight? Once I can envision some of the benefits of these goals, I can begin to identify and do the things I need to succeed.
-- Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.
-- Denis Waitley
My goals:
Short Term:
- Food Journal Food Journal Food Journal. Focus on the right foods.
- Deal with the inevitable hungers and cravings I will be suffering due to my recent bout of "free" living.
- Catalog those cravings to realize the damage I did to myself by going off the rails. Perhaps it will help me stop when I start to do it again.
Medium Term:
- 46 pounds down in two months.
- Push myself in my Square One workouts to maximize the benefits of them.
- Fit in extra workouts at least three times a week.
- Spend time walking in the off times to get the benefit of even a moderate exercise.
-- Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there.
-- Bo Jackson
Hope and Dream zone:
These are goals that are probably unreachable. Or, at least, very aggressive. Am I setting myself up for failure with these? I don't think so. I don't honestly believe I will make them. They serve the purpose of pushing me to work even harder. If time proves that I am making headway towards them, I will move them to the Medium Term goals as a reasonable option.
- 106 lbs down by April 12th bringing me to that coveted new number of "2" at the beginning of my weight
- Climb Flattop Mountain this summer
- 146 lbs down by the holiday season bringing me to a total of 300 lbs lost thus perfectly positioning me for the toughest of seasons for the food addict.
- Run a half Marathon in May of 2014
So this is a week of hope. This is a week of dreaming. This week, I can see the possibilities and I am allowing myself to believe they are possible. Keeping this firmly in mind, I can begin to use it as fuel to drive my journey. No, I don't want that fast food. It will hold me back. Get that excess food away from me! It will prevent me from the excitement these goals will provide.
-- Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.
-- Jim Ryun
To all my Square One friends, this is my weekly realization. I hope you all can adopt in your own way. Identify what you want. Long term wants. What is it that can motivate you? Do you want to fit in that dress? Buy it now! Hang it up on the Fridge. Put a picture of it in your car. Find something that will motivate you. Evaluate it daily.
Then use it! Why am I going to the club tonight? Because I want to make the progress that will get me what I want! Why am I not going to eat that thing I shouldn't? Because it will keep me from what I want. When you can do this, those tempting foods will be evil demons hell bent on ruining our lives. And that will help us put them aside.
It isn't easy. But I intend to give it my very best.
Good luck! I will need it too. I will let you know how it goes. Please feel free to let me know your wants, goals and plans to get there. This blog has shown me that it helps to share.
Let's do it! Together!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
#22 - Soul Searching
Hello again.
I would apologize for my lack of posts lately, but the apology must be for something much deeper than a mere absence. I have been lying to you dear reader. Not directly, but a serious lie of omission has occurred. My absence has been deliberate and born out of the self loathing I have felt over my lack of discipline and control. It is something I am not proud of and I will endeavor to be more honest and forthcoming in the future.
-- Half a truth is often a great lie.
-- Benjamin Franklin
To fill you in, I have been nearly completely off the rails for several months. I was horrified recently to realize my lowest weight of the past year was over four months ago. I have not been keeping my food journal. I find excuses to miss workouts. I have felt hypocritical as I give advice to others to aid them on their journeys. All of this only serves to feed a growing sense of depression which is only decreasing my desire to get back on track. Each and every weigh in at Square One only served to deepen my sense of failure and remorse. I was spiraling out of control on a track back to weights I no longer want to see.
As usual, Marty managed to play a little mental mumbo jumbo that managed to start me thinking about fighting back and pushing hard again. At the beginning of my journey with him, he wanted me to send him an email with a list of all the reasons why it stinks to be overweight (specifically 560 pounds). I believe I listed a number of them in an earlier post. After a particularly depressing weigh in, Marty re-read my email back to me. As the tears flowed, he asked me why I was so emotional. My response was that I didn't want to go back to that life. However, that was also a half-truth. I don't want to go back to that life, but the honest reason for the tears was that I was deathly afraid that I was going to be unable to prevent myself from going back there.
This isn't a feeling created from thin air. I have a history of doing this very sequence of events. History has shown on a number of occasions that I have the discipline to lose a large chunk of weight (if you will excuse the term) and then fall off the wagon. Always after, I would allow my self to balloon up to ever greater weights. Marty's mental ploy has allowed me to stop and think. Stop! Find a way to turn this back in the right direction.
-- The history of free men is never really written by chance but by choice; their choice!
-- Dwight D Eisenhower
Towards that end, I feel a need to analyze my thoughts now. The mindset of falling off the wagon is nearly as insidious as food addiction itself. I am back in the habit of "cutting myself some slack." Sure, enjoy that food you know is bad for you. It is just one bad thing. Until the next bad thing. It is also hard just to get back to right foods. All the foods you know are right for you seem unappetizing because your addicted brain is screaming for the unhealthy foods it wants. And, the healthy foods you've been eating (telling yourself that this proves you aren't completely off the diet) are in such large amounts that it is difficult to return to what is an appropriate portion size.
Why do I let food have this much power over me? Will it ever get easier? I have to believe it will. I don't think it will ever go away, but I need to believe that there will come a time when this addiction is more manageable. Now, I can hear Marty and Amy telling me that it is never "easy." I know this. I am simply hoping that at some point it becomes "easier."
Marty and I have discussed what to do to get me back on track. It is so stupid. I know what needs to be done, but the doing is more elusive than I ever thought possible. *Sigh* It is infuriating and it may drive me absolutely insane. I don't know if I can truthfully impress upon you how desperately I want to succeed on this journey. Every fiber of my being yearns to be healthier, skinnier, and successful. And yet, the same brain that vibrates with this desire is also the brain makes all these poor decisions. You would think that my desire would be enough to push me through, but all it does is cause self-doubt, guilt and self loathing when I don't do the things I know I should. I feel so weak.
-- He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most busy life. But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon reign.
-- Victor Hugo
So, here is my new plan. First, I am going to get more serious about a regular work out plan. As Marty so astutely observed, it is easier to manage the diet when you are faithfully following your workout regimen. Start the discipline with that and the rest will hopefully follow. Second, I am going to need to get back on keeping my food journal. Lastly, I intend to blog here more often. Ideally, I would like to blog weekly with a re-cap that lists my weight loss or weight gain and allows me to analyze the reasons for either. Now don't get on my case immediately. These plans are to be implemented in stages. First stage, working out.
So as I look at the last 11 hours of 2012, I suppose it is only appropriate to learn from the past year and plan for the next one. I need to simultaneously be more strict with myself while cutting myself some slack. The strictness will help fuel the discipline needed to turn this around. However, in an effort to love myself more, I need to realize that I am still 160 pounds less than I was 20 months ago instead of lamenting that I was once 180 pounds less. I need to do a better job of finding the positives in life. I recently worked on a project for a Christmas gift in which I saw all the old family pictures of my youth. I barely remember that Kevin. He was so positive, fun-loving, and excited about nearly everything he did. Confident and sure, he proudly leaped into any exciting adventure he could find. Not sure the exact moment that changed, but I need to get it back.
In other words, I have a lot of work to do in 2013. I will have to simultaneously attack the physical journey and the mental journey. Wish me luck.
-- The New Year is a beautiful bouquet of newer unfolding opportunities to fulfill unfinished commitments with renewed vigour of heart and move-up on an accelerating speed to reach to a new milestone ... and enriching life's journey.
-- Anuj Somany
I would apologize for my lack of posts lately, but the apology must be for something much deeper than a mere absence. I have been lying to you dear reader. Not directly, but a serious lie of omission has occurred. My absence has been deliberate and born out of the self loathing I have felt over my lack of discipline and control. It is something I am not proud of and I will endeavor to be more honest and forthcoming in the future.
-- Half a truth is often a great lie.
-- Benjamin Franklin
To fill you in, I have been nearly completely off the rails for several months. I was horrified recently to realize my lowest weight of the past year was over four months ago. I have not been keeping my food journal. I find excuses to miss workouts. I have felt hypocritical as I give advice to others to aid them on their journeys. All of this only serves to feed a growing sense of depression which is only decreasing my desire to get back on track. Each and every weigh in at Square One only served to deepen my sense of failure and remorse. I was spiraling out of control on a track back to weights I no longer want to see.
As usual, Marty managed to play a little mental mumbo jumbo that managed to start me thinking about fighting back and pushing hard again. At the beginning of my journey with him, he wanted me to send him an email with a list of all the reasons why it stinks to be overweight (specifically 560 pounds). I believe I listed a number of them in an earlier post. After a particularly depressing weigh in, Marty re-read my email back to me. As the tears flowed, he asked me why I was so emotional. My response was that I didn't want to go back to that life. However, that was also a half-truth. I don't want to go back to that life, but the honest reason for the tears was that I was deathly afraid that I was going to be unable to prevent myself from going back there.
This isn't a feeling created from thin air. I have a history of doing this very sequence of events. History has shown on a number of occasions that I have the discipline to lose a large chunk of weight (if you will excuse the term) and then fall off the wagon. Always after, I would allow my self to balloon up to ever greater weights. Marty's mental ploy has allowed me to stop and think. Stop! Find a way to turn this back in the right direction.
-- The history of free men is never really written by chance but by choice; their choice!
-- Dwight D Eisenhower
Towards that end, I feel a need to analyze my thoughts now. The mindset of falling off the wagon is nearly as insidious as food addiction itself. I am back in the habit of "cutting myself some slack." Sure, enjoy that food you know is bad for you. It is just one bad thing. Until the next bad thing. It is also hard just to get back to right foods. All the foods you know are right for you seem unappetizing because your addicted brain is screaming for the unhealthy foods it wants. And, the healthy foods you've been eating (telling yourself that this proves you aren't completely off the diet) are in such large amounts that it is difficult to return to what is an appropriate portion size.
Why do I let food have this much power over me? Will it ever get easier? I have to believe it will. I don't think it will ever go away, but I need to believe that there will come a time when this addiction is more manageable. Now, I can hear Marty and Amy telling me that it is never "easy." I know this. I am simply hoping that at some point it becomes "easier."
Marty and I have discussed what to do to get me back on track. It is so stupid. I know what needs to be done, but the doing is more elusive than I ever thought possible. *Sigh* It is infuriating and it may drive me absolutely insane. I don't know if I can truthfully impress upon you how desperately I want to succeed on this journey. Every fiber of my being yearns to be healthier, skinnier, and successful. And yet, the same brain that vibrates with this desire is also the brain makes all these poor decisions. You would think that my desire would be enough to push me through, but all it does is cause self-doubt, guilt and self loathing when I don't do the things I know I should. I feel so weak.
-- He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most busy life. But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon reign.
-- Victor Hugo
So, here is my new plan. First, I am going to get more serious about a regular work out plan. As Marty so astutely observed, it is easier to manage the diet when you are faithfully following your workout regimen. Start the discipline with that and the rest will hopefully follow. Second, I am going to need to get back on keeping my food journal. Lastly, I intend to blog here more often. Ideally, I would like to blog weekly with a re-cap that lists my weight loss or weight gain and allows me to analyze the reasons for either. Now don't get on my case immediately. These plans are to be implemented in stages. First stage, working out.
So as I look at the last 11 hours of 2012, I suppose it is only appropriate to learn from the past year and plan for the next one. I need to simultaneously be more strict with myself while cutting myself some slack. The strictness will help fuel the discipline needed to turn this around. However, in an effort to love myself more, I need to realize that I am still 160 pounds less than I was 20 months ago instead of lamenting that I was once 180 pounds less. I need to do a better job of finding the positives in life. I recently worked on a project for a Christmas gift in which I saw all the old family pictures of my youth. I barely remember that Kevin. He was so positive, fun-loving, and excited about nearly everything he did. Confident and sure, he proudly leaped into any exciting adventure he could find. Not sure the exact moment that changed, but I need to get it back.
In other words, I have a lot of work to do in 2013. I will have to simultaneously attack the physical journey and the mental journey. Wish me luck.
-- The New Year is a beautiful bouquet of newer unfolding opportunities to fulfill unfinished commitments with renewed vigour of heart and move-up on an accelerating speed to reach to a new milestone ... and enriching life's journey.
-- Anuj Somany
Friday, July 6, 2012
#21 - Colorado -- Take Two
If you have not read blog entry #5 - Colorado, please read it first or none of the following will seem wondrous.
-- Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
-- Arnold H Glasgow
We hiked to the Pool and back today! It was such a fun experience for me and a huge triumph. I could tell from the very beginning that I was setting a much faster pace than the last time. Pretty soon, my father pointed out that the place we were passing so quickly was the spot I asked him how much farther to the arches. The significance of this is that when I asked that question in the first trip, that was when I had accepted that I wasn't going to finish and was trying to determine whether to give up and turn around or to at least make it to the arches. This time, I wasn't even a little fatigued.
Soon we 'round the bend to the arches and I can't believe how easy it has been. We stop for a short reflection and water break. Then we head on up to the Pool. It feels fantastic to hit a goal like that. It took me back to my younger days when I would set new goals and accomplish them regularly on hikes like these. It made me realize how much progress I've made in a few short months.
The walk back was similarly easy. By the last quarter mile or so, I was feeling some pain in my feet and joints. Mostly due to some of the steep downhill portions and just my weight pounding my feet into some off the rocks. But it felt great over all.
Even given my last month of nearly no progress, it is wonderful to realize how much progress I've achieved in such a short amount of time. A hike, that I quit .7 miles early and still thought of as a death march, was now an easily obtainable success. Perhaps future years will see me climb mountains again. Rock climbing and rappelling. Backpacking and camping. Sky's the limit.
-- Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.
-- Napoleon Hill
-- Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
-- Arnold H Glasgow
We hiked to the Pool and back today! It was such a fun experience for me and a huge triumph. I could tell from the very beginning that I was setting a much faster pace than the last time. Pretty soon, my father pointed out that the place we were passing so quickly was the spot I asked him how much farther to the arches. The significance of this is that when I asked that question in the first trip, that was when I had accepted that I wasn't going to finish and was trying to determine whether to give up and turn around or to at least make it to the arches. This time, I wasn't even a little fatigued.
Soon we 'round the bend to the arches and I can't believe how easy it has been. We stop for a short reflection and water break. Then we head on up to the Pool. It feels fantastic to hit a goal like that. It took me back to my younger days when I would set new goals and accomplish them regularly on hikes like these. It made me realize how much progress I've made in a few short months.
The walk back was similarly easy. By the last quarter mile or so, I was feeling some pain in my feet and joints. Mostly due to some of the steep downhill portions and just my weight pounding my feet into some off the rocks. But it felt great over all.
Even given my last month of nearly no progress, it is wonderful to realize how much progress I've achieved in such a short amount of time. A hike, that I quit .7 miles early and still thought of as a death march, was now an easily obtainable success. Perhaps future years will see me climb mountains again. Rock climbing and rappelling. Backpacking and camping. Sky's the limit.
-- Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.
-- Napoleon Hill
#20 - Struggling
-- Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts.
-- Edward R. Murrow
To say that the last month or more has been difficult, would be a severe understatement. My diet has been loose and as a result, the scale has been unforgiving. Work outs have been good and I feel stronger every day, but that is just the physical side of things. The mental side is breaking down.
I am finding it too easy to rationalize bad food choices. I am also eating too much of the good food choices. And to add insult to injury, I am not keeping my food journal so I really have no idea how poorly I am eating.
All of this combined to give me the worst month of my journey. For the entire month of may, I managed a meager 0.6 pound weight loss. It is completely frustrating and infuriating because I know I am better than that. I also know that if I want to make it to most of my goals, I have to produce much better numbers than that.
-- Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
And now, I am faced with a family trip to Colorado. Normally, this is something I really look forward to doing. This time, I am scared. I am in the least secure mental space of my entire journey. You only have to read my blog post about my meltdown on a previous trip to know why I am worried this time. My family just doesn't get it. They want to help and, with good intentions, offer to cook more meals at the cabin. This is fine and dandy, but it isn't just being at restaurants. My difficulties with this trip are that not only will I have to watch them eat all the junk food, but I will also have to be the reason they don't get to go eat/do what they want to do. Why aren't we going out to eat? Kevin. Why aren't we going to the Taffy Shop? Kevin. Why aren't we doing Smores over a firepit? Kevin. Who wants that role?
But, in the end, I will probably go. I will try to maintain so I can watch my niece and nephews have fun in the mountains. But I am terrified. I get the news that I am in the least control of my journey in 14 months two days before I go on a trip practically designed to derail me.
-- In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
-- Albert Einstein
As for the general problem with my journey, I need new motivation. All my old goals still hold true and I still feel the same desires for success that I have had in the past. But for whatever reason, they are not providing me with the same resolve that I have had in the past.
So, I am going to re-read these blog entries. I am going to list my successes. I am going to acknowledge my failings. And hopefully, I can find new motivations or, at the very least, renewed resolve. The situation isn't drastically different. The path to success is more or less the same. It has to come from me.
-- Things do not change; we change.
-- Henry David Thoreau
-- Edward R. Murrow
To say that the last month or more has been difficult, would be a severe understatement. My diet has been loose and as a result, the scale has been unforgiving. Work outs have been good and I feel stronger every day, but that is just the physical side of things. The mental side is breaking down.
I am finding it too easy to rationalize bad food choices. I am also eating too much of the good food choices. And to add insult to injury, I am not keeping my food journal so I really have no idea how poorly I am eating.
All of this combined to give me the worst month of my journey. For the entire month of may, I managed a meager 0.6 pound weight loss. It is completely frustrating and infuriating because I know I am better than that. I also know that if I want to make it to most of my goals, I have to produce much better numbers than that.
-- Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
And now, I am faced with a family trip to Colorado. Normally, this is something I really look forward to doing. This time, I am scared. I am in the least secure mental space of my entire journey. You only have to read my blog post about my meltdown on a previous trip to know why I am worried this time. My family just doesn't get it. They want to help and, with good intentions, offer to cook more meals at the cabin. This is fine and dandy, but it isn't just being at restaurants. My difficulties with this trip are that not only will I have to watch them eat all the junk food, but I will also have to be the reason they don't get to go eat/do what they want to do. Why aren't we going out to eat? Kevin. Why aren't we going to the Taffy Shop? Kevin. Why aren't we doing Smores over a firepit? Kevin. Who wants that role?
But, in the end, I will probably go. I will try to maintain so I can watch my niece and nephews have fun in the mountains. But I am terrified. I get the news that I am in the least control of my journey in 14 months two days before I go on a trip practically designed to derail me.
-- In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
-- Albert Einstein
As for the general problem with my journey, I need new motivation. All my old goals still hold true and I still feel the same desires for success that I have had in the past. But for whatever reason, they are not providing me with the same resolve that I have had in the past.
So, I am going to re-read these blog entries. I am going to list my successes. I am going to acknowledge my failings. And hopefully, I can find new motivations or, at the very least, renewed resolve. The situation isn't drastically different. The path to success is more or less the same. It has to come from me.
-- Things do not change; we change.
-- Henry David Thoreau
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
#19 - Changing Body, Changing Mind
-- Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind.
-- Thomas Jefferson
What is harder? Changing your body or changing your mind. I don't mean changing your mind like "hmmm, I think I'll have chicken instead of fish today." I mean changing the fundamental mindsets that you have developed over years of experience. How do you change some of those core feelings, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that make you who you are?
-- We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think.
-- Buddha
-- Thomas Jefferson
What is harder? Changing your body or changing your mind. I don't mean changing your mind like "hmmm, I think I'll have chicken instead of fish today." I mean changing the fundamental mindsets that you have developed over years of experience. How do you change some of those core feelings, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that make you who you are?
-- We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think.
-- Buddha
Clearly, I am showing my bias that it is more difficult to change your mind. This is a scary concept to me because changing my body is a long and difficult process. To face the prospect that I may have a harder journey of the mind ahead of me is more than little daunting. And timing is everything. My inclination is to say "Right now, I am working on my body. I will work on my mind when this first journey is over." But it isn't that simple. So much of this journey to better health is tied into those pesky mental pitfalls. Thus, I must begin to look at them if I am going to make significant progress in the changing of the body. For example, I must understand why I packed on 350 extra pounds if I am going to be able to effectively make the life long changes necessary to lose the weight and keep it off.
This is such a convoluted issue that I cannot possibly address all my mental battles in this one blog. However, here are a few that challenge me.
-- There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.
-- Ronald Reagan
First, and most crucial, I must start addressing self image. It is almost universally true that overweight people have a self image problem. We can debate whether this is due to a dislike of our appearance or a reaction to the way a society that reveres the thin judges and treats the obese. But the reason for the self image problem does little to help me on fixing the problem. However, it is a crucial mental attitude to adjust because we have seen so many people who lose the weight and still don't like the way they look. Weight loss can certainly help the self image, but it is clear that if you are not comfortable in you skin long before you lose the weight, you may still be uncomfortable with the newer, thinner you. I wish I could offer my solutions on the matter, but this is a continuing struggle for me. I can say that making progress on my journey and working in a club designed to help others is doing wonders for the self image, but it has not eradicated the image issues I've had for a long time.
-- Giving up represents a choice you make when you decide not to take action on something over which you actually do have control.
-- Darren L Johnson
Second, one makes a great many mental resignations as they get older and fatter over the course of many years. I have made a number of them. In nearly every case, they are a giving up of things you really want in order to be more comfortable in your worsening situation. It hurts to make the resignation, but helps in the long run because once you admit it isn't in the cards, you stop wishing for it or being sad that you don't have it. One of the biggest of these resignations for me was a decision that I was going to finish life alone. Never a boyfriend, never a husband, never a father. I decided I would be content to be a good uncle, brother and friend to those around me. I had managed to convince myself that it was ok that, in my opinion, I was unlovable (in a romantic sense) and I was too old to pursue the goals of love and family. How does one re-establish that connection to the heart? How can one make himself believe? And most worrisome, has one waited too long? Again, I don't have the answers. I will say that the hope this journey offers makes some of this seem more possible, but it is a nagging concern.
-- It is not death or pain that is to be dreaded, but the fear of pain or death.
-- Epictetus
Third, the catalyst. Many overweight people have some sort of event in their life that serves as a catalyst to truly getting out of control. A lot of people at the club report that they have struggled with weight their whole life, but the truly obese always seem to have an event of some kind that made them really start gaining weight much more rapidly. I don't know the psychology of this, but if I had to guess, I would think there is something that occurs to make a person stop caring about the struggle. Something that damages their self-esteem to the point where they no longer worry about fighting their weight. A death of a loved one. An abusive relationship. A truly embarrassing situation. It could be any number of things.
I have been trying to find this event in myself. It is difficult to pinpoint because I have had a general progression to higher weights for a good portion of my life. Where did it get worse? Where did I stop caring about how much I gained? As near as I can figure, my catalyst was .... a girl. I felt I was in love and that person rather abruptly left my life. I think this began a cycle of emotional eating and marks the moment where weight became my shield. I used it to push away potential romantic interests so no one could hurt me again. If I was unlovable or unattractive, good! I may not be completely happy but perhaps my heart would be safe. This is a difficult thing to overcome because it becomes so ingrained that it is nearly completely subconscious. I wish I knew how to change it, but it is a part of my struggle. Again, no answers. But hopefully acknowledging it here will give me some reminder to be putting my mind to changing this within myself.
The mental journey, just as the physical one, is a forever one. Even if you reach your goals and handle some of these issues, it will more than likely just reveal more. However, I am hopeful that by honestly accepting these failings within myself, I can begin to make them better. And in so doing, I may help myself continue on the path to better health. Both physically AND mentally.
-- All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind.
-- Abraham Lincoln
This is such a convoluted issue that I cannot possibly address all my mental battles in this one blog. However, here are a few that challenge me.
-- There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.
-- Ronald Reagan
First, and most crucial, I must start addressing self image. It is almost universally true that overweight people have a self image problem. We can debate whether this is due to a dislike of our appearance or a reaction to the way a society that reveres the thin judges and treats the obese. But the reason for the self image problem does little to help me on fixing the problem. However, it is a crucial mental attitude to adjust because we have seen so many people who lose the weight and still don't like the way they look. Weight loss can certainly help the self image, but it is clear that if you are not comfortable in you skin long before you lose the weight, you may still be uncomfortable with the newer, thinner you. I wish I could offer my solutions on the matter, but this is a continuing struggle for me. I can say that making progress on my journey and working in a club designed to help others is doing wonders for the self image, but it has not eradicated the image issues I've had for a long time.
-- Giving up represents a choice you make when you decide not to take action on something over which you actually do have control.
-- Darren L Johnson
Second, one makes a great many mental resignations as they get older and fatter over the course of many years. I have made a number of them. In nearly every case, they are a giving up of things you really want in order to be more comfortable in your worsening situation. It hurts to make the resignation, but helps in the long run because once you admit it isn't in the cards, you stop wishing for it or being sad that you don't have it. One of the biggest of these resignations for me was a decision that I was going to finish life alone. Never a boyfriend, never a husband, never a father. I decided I would be content to be a good uncle, brother and friend to those around me. I had managed to convince myself that it was ok that, in my opinion, I was unlovable (in a romantic sense) and I was too old to pursue the goals of love and family. How does one re-establish that connection to the heart? How can one make himself believe? And most worrisome, has one waited too long? Again, I don't have the answers. I will say that the hope this journey offers makes some of this seem more possible, but it is a nagging concern.
-- It is not death or pain that is to be dreaded, but the fear of pain or death.
-- Epictetus
Third, the catalyst. Many overweight people have some sort of event in their life that serves as a catalyst to truly getting out of control. A lot of people at the club report that they have struggled with weight their whole life, but the truly obese always seem to have an event of some kind that made them really start gaining weight much more rapidly. I don't know the psychology of this, but if I had to guess, I would think there is something that occurs to make a person stop caring about the struggle. Something that damages their self-esteem to the point where they no longer worry about fighting their weight. A death of a loved one. An abusive relationship. A truly embarrassing situation. It could be any number of things.
I have been trying to find this event in myself. It is difficult to pinpoint because I have had a general progression to higher weights for a good portion of my life. Where did it get worse? Where did I stop caring about how much I gained? As near as I can figure, my catalyst was .... a girl. I felt I was in love and that person rather abruptly left my life. I think this began a cycle of emotional eating and marks the moment where weight became my shield. I used it to push away potential romantic interests so no one could hurt me again. If I was unlovable or unattractive, good! I may not be completely happy but perhaps my heart would be safe. This is a difficult thing to overcome because it becomes so ingrained that it is nearly completely subconscious. I wish I knew how to change it, but it is a part of my struggle. Again, no answers. But hopefully acknowledging it here will give me some reminder to be putting my mind to changing this within myself.
The mental journey, just as the physical one, is a forever one. Even if you reach your goals and handle some of these issues, it will more than likely just reveal more. However, I am hopeful that by honestly accepting these failings within myself, I can begin to make them better. And in so doing, I may help myself continue on the path to better health. Both physically AND mentally.
-- All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind.
-- Abraham Lincoln
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