#22 - Soul Searching

Hello again.

I would apologize for my lack of posts lately, but the apology must be for something much deeper than a mere absence.   I have been lying to you dear reader.    Not directly, but a serious lie of omission has occurred.   My absence has been deliberate and born out of the self loathing I have felt over my lack of discipline and control.   It is something I am not proud of and I will endeavor to be more honest and forthcoming in the future.  

-- Half a truth is often a great lie.
                        --  Benjamin Franklin

To fill you in, I have been nearly completely off the rails for several months.   I was horrified recently to realize my lowest weight of the past year was over four months ago.   I have not been keeping my food journal.   I find excuses to miss workouts.   I have felt hypocritical as I give advice to others to aid them on their journeys.   All of this only serves to feed a growing sense of depression which is only decreasing my desire to get back on track.  Each and every weigh in at Square One only served to deepen my sense of failure and remorse.   I was spiraling out of control on a track back to weights I no longer want to see.

As usual, Marty managed to play a little mental mumbo jumbo that managed to start me thinking about fighting back and pushing hard again.   At the beginning of my journey with him, he wanted me to send him an email with a list of all the reasons why it stinks to be overweight (specifically 560 pounds).   I believe I listed a number of them in an earlier post.   After a particularly depressing weigh in, Marty re-read my email back to me.   As the tears flowed, he asked me why I was so emotional.   My response was that I didn't want to go back to that life.   However, that was also a half-truth.   I don't want to go back to that life, but the honest reason for the tears was that I was deathly afraid that I was going to be unable to prevent myself from going back there.

This isn't a feeling created from thin air.   I have a history of doing this very sequence of events.  History has shown on a number of occasions that I have the discipline to lose a large chunk of weight (if you will excuse the term) and then fall off the wagon.   Always after, I would allow my self to balloon up to ever greater weights.    Marty's mental ploy has allowed me to stop and think.   Stop!  Find a way to turn this back in the right direction.

-- The history of free men is never really written by chance but by choice; their choice!
                                                                                      -- Dwight D Eisenhower

Towards that end, I feel a need to analyze my thoughts now.   The mindset of falling off the wagon is nearly as insidious as food addiction itself.   I am back in the habit of "cutting myself some slack."   Sure, enjoy that food you know is bad for you.   It is just one bad thing.   Until the next bad thing.   It is also hard just to get back to right foods.   All the foods you know are right for you seem unappetizing because your addicted brain is screaming for the unhealthy foods it wants.   And, the healthy foods you've been eating (telling yourself that this proves you aren't completely off the diet) are in such large amounts that it is difficult to return to what is an appropriate portion size.

Why do I let food have this much power over me?  Will it ever get easier?   I have to believe it will.   I don't think it will ever go away, but I need to believe that there will come a time when this addiction is more manageable.   Now, I can hear Marty and Amy telling me that it is never "easy."   I know this.   I am simply hoping that at some point it becomes "easier."

Marty and I have discussed what to do to get me back on track.   It is so stupid.   I know what needs to be done, but the doing is more elusive than I ever thought possible.   *Sigh*   It is infuriating and it may drive me absolutely insane.    I don't know if I can truthfully impress upon you how desperately I want to succeed on this journey.   Every fiber of my being yearns to be healthier, skinnier, and successful.   And yet, the same brain that vibrates with this desire is also the brain makes all these poor decisions.   You would think that my desire would be enough to push me through, but all it does is cause self-doubt, guilt and self loathing when I don't do the things I know I should.   I feel so weak.

-- He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most busy life.   But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon reign.
                                                                                                                                      -- Victor Hugo

So, here is my new plan.   First, I am going to get more serious about a regular work out plan.   As Marty so astutely observed, it is easier to manage the diet when you are faithfully following your workout regimen.  Start the discipline with that and the rest will hopefully follow.   Second, I am going to need to get back on keeping my food journal.   Lastly, I intend to blog here more often.   Ideally, I would like to blog weekly with a re-cap that lists my weight loss or weight gain and allows me to analyze the reasons for either.   Now don't get on my case immediately.  These plans are to be implemented in stages.   First stage, working out.

So as I look at the last 11 hours of 2012, I suppose it is only appropriate to learn from the past year and plan for the next one.   I need to simultaneously be more strict with myself while cutting myself some slack.  The strictness will help fuel the discipline needed to turn this around.  However, in an effort to love myself more, I need to realize that I am still 160 pounds less than I was 20 months ago instead of lamenting that I was once 180 pounds less.   I need to do a better job of finding the positives in life.   I recently worked on a project for a Christmas gift in which I saw all the old family pictures of my youth.   I barely remember that Kevin.  He was so positive, fun-loving, and excited about nearly everything he did.   Confident and sure, he proudly leaped into any exciting adventure he could find.   Not sure the exact moment that changed, but I need to get it back.

In other words, I have a lot of work to do in 2013.   I will have to simultaneously attack the physical journey and the mental journey.   Wish me luck.

-- The New Year is a beautiful bouquet of newer unfolding opportunities to fulfill unfinished commitments with renewed vigour of heart and move-up on an accelerating speed to reach to a new milestone ... and enriching life's journey.
                                                                                                                      -- Anuj Somany