Where do you place your journey in the list of important things in your life? Where does it fit in the importance of your life?
I've recently had to put it on hold for a good portion of time. This is an unfortunate turn of events due to a lack of occupation, income and self-esteem. But it makes me wonder where this journey fits in the scheme of my life. It is like a plant in that its roots span out and touch many aspects of my life. However, if the plant isn't getting sun, nutrients and water, the roots cannot survive.
-- If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow
Money. I hate that it is a such an important thing in our lives, but without it, you can't do the things you need to do to support yourself. You can't pay for food, gas, lodging and entertainment. Simple logic states that you need the basics before you can focus on your personal growth. So, I was faced with a complete lack of money. This meant that healthy foods and gas guzzling trips to the gym were beyond my capability. Friends would point out that they were sure my family would pony up some dough to keep me on the journey. However, when every dollar you spend is a dollar borrowed, pride makes you simplify your expenses to the truly necessary.
Occupation. Well, a job is how we address the previously mentioned trouble of money. Finding a job can be as easy as walking into a store and asking for employment or as difficult as landing on the moon. Additionally, with the current attitude towards obese people in America, many companies discriminate against the overweight applicants. It isn't a protected class so they could say straight to my face that "we don't hire fat people." They wouldn't do that, but it would be legal to do so. Marty and I have been to companies whose wellness coordinators flat out told us that they avoid hiring overweight people because of the inflated health care costs. Until we start treating obesity and food addiction as a disease needing treatment, insurance companies will not fund help for obese people. Companies will continue to discriminate against obese people thinking them as lazy employees or high cost employees. The rising costs of health care and ever increasing epidemic of obesity in America will continue to grow until people in power begin to realize that our culture is creating a problem that must be aggressively addressed, not casually dismissed. It seems to be the last accepted prejudice as folks stick with tired mantra of "just eat less" or "just exercise". What these fools don't realize is that it isn't that simple. If it were, we would all be walking around with six-pack abs and beautiful bodies. No one would "choose" to be overweight. It isn't fun. Until folks realize that it isn't as voluntary as many believe, they won't give the problem of obese Americans the attention it deserves.
-- Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it's conditional.
-- Albert Ellis
Self-esteem. Part and parcel of the first two problems listed. I find that I define myself, not by my job, but by my ability to care for myself. When you get to a point where you are without a career, without money, and without prospects, you are too ashamed to wake up in the morning, let alone go out in public. With every resume rejected, your feelings of self-worth plummet. In the end, you have to find joy where you can, but nothing is going to help until your situation changes. Depression ensues and is crippling. Relationships suffer as you are unable to muster the energy to even pretend to be social. Friends and family worry as your spiral into yourself and your own self-loathing. The journey towards better health doesn't even register on your radar while you are trying to bring yourself out of your despair.
-- Struggling is hard because you never now what's at the end of the tunnel.
-- Don Rickles
I've managed to get a job and renew my slow but steady growth back to financial independence. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to a great many people who were very helpful during this trying time. I really found out who my friends were. So many wonderful people hauled me around town and financed entertaining evenings so my whole life wasn't sitting at home looking for work. They gave me the few rays of sunshine in these dark times. You all know who you are and I love you dearly. I will do my best to, in some measure, make restitution for the debts I owe you, even though you have never asked for repayment. It is just the right thing to do. And if ever you find yourself in need, know that if it is in my power, I will give you the helping hand that you gave me.
-- A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.
-- Arnold H. Glasow
So, as I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I begin to look back at my journey and what I will do to get myself back on track. I know I will need to get back to my food journal as I am completely off track with regard to my caloric intake. My physical exertion is still pretty high, so if I can get the eating under control, I will find myself back on the losing side of the scale.
So I guess the answer to my question is that there are some basic needs that must be met prior to being able to really focus on my journey. They are so intertwined that weight loss helps with all those problems and would help with the self-esteem and depression issues if it were continued. But, this journey is such an intense mental effort in and of itself that when you are plagued with the other major problems in life, you find that it is one of the first things to be discarded. As with all things, a balance must be reached. Attention must be divided between all things. And if a hiatus is demanded by life's inequities, you must promise yourself to renew your efforts as soon as is humanly possible after things have changed. I don't know that I have great insight into how to make this all work, but if I find the solution, I will be sure to share it with you.
-- Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.
-- Napoleon Hill
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
#26 - Fear of Failure
-- Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.
-- Margaret J Wheatley
No happy joy joy thoughts today. I am pondering deep thoughts and fears this week. It was during one of these moments that I remembered I hadn't blogged in awhile. In an effort to record the good AND the bad, I feel I must notate some of my troubles here.
I've been struggling with some very difficult thoughts and emotions for me. They tie into the core difficulties of my journey, but they also influence the very heart of me. I'm trying to come to terms with some very difficult truths about myself. These are not things for which I am proud. Quite the contrary. They are also not things that are easy for me to admit. I have managed to spend the better portion of my life deluding myself that these things are not true and focusing on mitigating factors (some real, some imagined) that allow me to avoid the truths I am facing.
Before I get too far into this, I must ask your forbearance as I indulge in a bout of self-loathing and critical analysis of me. I am truly hesitant to share this because I am one who rarely shares the problems of my life. I have always been someone who keeps his problems to himself and tries to fix them on his own. Many times, this has put me in worse situations than may have been necessary had I merely let someone help me. This blog records the details of my biggest example of this phenomenon (pun intended). Had my sister not "forced herself upon me", I might still be in a flabby funk. That being said, I am not looking for your help, dear reader. I appreciate the desire to help, but I believe I am going to have to utilize a targeted few aides rather than walk around in a well-meaning, yet ultimately futile and ineffective, barrage of sympathy and advice. Your love and support is much appreciated but difficult to receive graciously at this time.
So, how to start? Okay, ripping the band-aid is always easiest. I am a failure. Now, before you get all keyed up, I know that I have had a great many successes in my life. So this statement is not meant as a definition of the entirety of me, but rather a single component that is currently a focal point of my depressive thoughts.
-- Failure is success if we learn from it.
-- Malcolm Forbes
I have failed in so many things in my life. I know, I know. Who hasn't? However, I recently realized that if you had asked 1990 Kevin what he wanted from life, you would soon have a nearly complete list of where I have failed. So much to think about with this. How could things have gone so wrong? Have I just messed up in all these things? Have I subconsciously sabotaged them in some fashion? Are they all individual failings or is one of them a catalyst that tipped over the first in a line of dominoes? I would like to say that I have the answers to these questions, but no. These are merely listed as things to ponder going forward.
I have failed in love. This is mostly a failing of my own making, but that is a topic for another day. Suffice it to say that I have already identified a great deal on this topic and I am working on it. No "fix-ups" please. I am merely pointing this out in relation to what my aspired goals would have been in 1990. I am a romantic so the idea of growing old with that ideal mate appeals to me. However, that is only half the failing on this topic. For most of my life, my sole and greatest purpose in life was to be a father. People talk about their dreams. Not just any dreams, but rather that Dream that is the driving force of their life. The med student who doggedly chases their dream to be a doctor. The musician who dreams of "making it big". I didn't have many of those. But I did want to be a dad. I've always been good with kids and have thoroughly enjoyed teaching them, babysitting them, or teaching them what to do with the hardships of their lives. At some point, I wanted to do that for my own offspring rather than that of my friends, family, and many others. Granted, I'm not quite so decrepit that this is out of the realm of possibility. It just means that I will be too old to pick them up. Sorry, this is a stolen joke to lightened the mood. But it illustrates a growing concern in this area.
I have failed in career. I have failed to keep any job that I have ever had. I have always managed to do good if not great work for my employers and my reviews were nearly all positive. However, I have lost these jobs because I have failed to exemplify myself in the eyes of the employers. I did not make myself indispensable or irreplaceable. Inevitably, when cutbacks were needed, I would soon see myself back on the unemployment lines. I would not say that career was ever a true goal in my life. I wouldn't have dismissed it, but I would have had the more nebulous thought that I wanted a solid, reliable career. This would've tied in with my idea of a family. A firm foundation to make sure I could provide for them. So, I find myself attempting to create a career in my late 30's. It begins to feel like I have wasted the largest part of my life. No career. Heck, I'm 39 and I've never had to file anything other than the 1040EZ tax form. I have very little in the way of retirement planning. But unless I get the next failing turned around, that won't be necessary.
I have failed with regard to my weight. This is a failing that I truly believe affects all the other failings. However, it is the hardest to crack. My struggle with weight has been the most vivid and obvious example of my failures for the past 23 years. I have started and stopped so many times that I've lost count. Now don't start the "look how far you've come" protestations. I know. I am very proud of how far I've come. However, a few months of success do not erase decades of failures. It is for this reason that every misstep on my journey sends me into a spiral of self-doubt, self-recrimination, and healthy dose of anxiety. For the first 16 months, these missteps were minor and infrequent so the effects were minimal. I was able to get things turned around rather quickly. However, the missteps of the last few months have been more dramatic and sustained. So I am finding it more difficult to get things back on track. These difficulties are joined with overwhelming anxiety and fear that I won't be able to get things turned around. In the moments that I am thinking about it, my brain SCREAMS at me. You know what to do! Just get back to doing it! In the off moments however, I seem to make the bad choices of everyday bad habits. It is this lack of thought towards it that scares me.
I have pondered these things all week. It is as if the triad of them is effectively ruining my chances of succeeding at any one of them. While I am concentrating on one, the others start to slip away from me. It is as if I am trying to perform a symphony by myself. I can't play the violin, the brass, and the percussion all at the same time. And yet, they are all so intertwined that progress on one almost necessitates progress on the others. I must learn to juggle.
-- ... when the whole group is together, each bringing out all that is best, wisest, or funniest in all the others. Those are the golden sessions ..."
-- CS Lewis
I don't remember if I've mentioned it before on this blog, but I have recently joined a support group within Square One. This group is focused on aiding the mental health of those on a weight loss journey. I believe it is because of this group that I have managed to slowly emerge from my "do it yourself" attitude. For whatever reason, I have been able to share my concerns with much greater openness than I have with others in the past. As a part of this group, we have done a small amount of cognitive therapy. One of the exercises was about core beliefs. What is the core belief about yourself that holds you back? Mine was that I believe myself to be "unworthy". I state it here because you can see how the failings above play on that core belief. It is a difficult thing to change. Just as I begin to make progress on feeling worthy, one of the failings will rear its ugly head to knock me back a few paces. Cognitively, I know that I shouldn't let these set-backs ruin the progress I have made, but emotionally, that is very difficult to do.
-- The heart and the mind has the shortest distance but has the longest journey.
-- TS Eliot
So that is my life right now. To put it mildly, I am struggling again ... in a number of ways. Please understand. I do not blog this mess to garner sympathy or advice from people. I am merely trying to be more honest with this blog and, more importantly, with myself. Our support group has discussed the need for keeping a journal of our feelings, thoughts and emotions. I figured this might be one way to do some of them. And maybe, someone can relate to some of this. In either case, I hope to re-read this entry in the future and realize how far I've come from this point. Of course, I will blather on and on about that in a future post should it occur.
Thanks for indulging me. :)
-- Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
-- Winston Churchill
-- Margaret J Wheatley
No happy joy joy thoughts today. I am pondering deep thoughts and fears this week. It was during one of these moments that I remembered I hadn't blogged in awhile. In an effort to record the good AND the bad, I feel I must notate some of my troubles here.
I've been struggling with some very difficult thoughts and emotions for me. They tie into the core difficulties of my journey, but they also influence the very heart of me. I'm trying to come to terms with some very difficult truths about myself. These are not things for which I am proud. Quite the contrary. They are also not things that are easy for me to admit. I have managed to spend the better portion of my life deluding myself that these things are not true and focusing on mitigating factors (some real, some imagined) that allow me to avoid the truths I am facing.
Before I get too far into this, I must ask your forbearance as I indulge in a bout of self-loathing and critical analysis of me. I am truly hesitant to share this because I am one who rarely shares the problems of my life. I have always been someone who keeps his problems to himself and tries to fix them on his own. Many times, this has put me in worse situations than may have been necessary had I merely let someone help me. This blog records the details of my biggest example of this phenomenon (pun intended). Had my sister not "forced herself upon me", I might still be in a flabby funk. That being said, I am not looking for your help, dear reader. I appreciate the desire to help, but I believe I am going to have to utilize a targeted few aides rather than walk around in a well-meaning, yet ultimately futile and ineffective, barrage of sympathy and advice. Your love and support is much appreciated but difficult to receive graciously at this time.
So, how to start? Okay, ripping the band-aid is always easiest. I am a failure. Now, before you get all keyed up, I know that I have had a great many successes in my life. So this statement is not meant as a definition of the entirety of me, but rather a single component that is currently a focal point of my depressive thoughts.
-- Failure is success if we learn from it.
-- Malcolm Forbes
I have failed in so many things in my life. I know, I know. Who hasn't? However, I recently realized that if you had asked 1990 Kevin what he wanted from life, you would soon have a nearly complete list of where I have failed. So much to think about with this. How could things have gone so wrong? Have I just messed up in all these things? Have I subconsciously sabotaged them in some fashion? Are they all individual failings or is one of them a catalyst that tipped over the first in a line of dominoes? I would like to say that I have the answers to these questions, but no. These are merely listed as things to ponder going forward.
I have failed in love. This is mostly a failing of my own making, but that is a topic for another day. Suffice it to say that I have already identified a great deal on this topic and I am working on it. No "fix-ups" please. I am merely pointing this out in relation to what my aspired goals would have been in 1990. I am a romantic so the idea of growing old with that ideal mate appeals to me. However, that is only half the failing on this topic. For most of my life, my sole and greatest purpose in life was to be a father. People talk about their dreams. Not just any dreams, but rather that Dream that is the driving force of their life. The med student who doggedly chases their dream to be a doctor. The musician who dreams of "making it big". I didn't have many of those. But I did want to be a dad. I've always been good with kids and have thoroughly enjoyed teaching them, babysitting them, or teaching them what to do with the hardships of their lives. At some point, I wanted to do that for my own offspring rather than that of my friends, family, and many others. Granted, I'm not quite so decrepit that this is out of the realm of possibility. It just means that I will be too old to pick them up. Sorry, this is a stolen joke to lightened the mood. But it illustrates a growing concern in this area.
I have failed in career. I have failed to keep any job that I have ever had. I have always managed to do good if not great work for my employers and my reviews were nearly all positive. However, I have lost these jobs because I have failed to exemplify myself in the eyes of the employers. I did not make myself indispensable or irreplaceable. Inevitably, when cutbacks were needed, I would soon see myself back on the unemployment lines. I would not say that career was ever a true goal in my life. I wouldn't have dismissed it, but I would have had the more nebulous thought that I wanted a solid, reliable career. This would've tied in with my idea of a family. A firm foundation to make sure I could provide for them. So, I find myself attempting to create a career in my late 30's. It begins to feel like I have wasted the largest part of my life. No career. Heck, I'm 39 and I've never had to file anything other than the 1040EZ tax form. I have very little in the way of retirement planning. But unless I get the next failing turned around, that won't be necessary.
I have failed with regard to my weight. This is a failing that I truly believe affects all the other failings. However, it is the hardest to crack. My struggle with weight has been the most vivid and obvious example of my failures for the past 23 years. I have started and stopped so many times that I've lost count. Now don't start the "look how far you've come" protestations. I know. I am very proud of how far I've come. However, a few months of success do not erase decades of failures. It is for this reason that every misstep on my journey sends me into a spiral of self-doubt, self-recrimination, and healthy dose of anxiety. For the first 16 months, these missteps were minor and infrequent so the effects were minimal. I was able to get things turned around rather quickly. However, the missteps of the last few months have been more dramatic and sustained. So I am finding it more difficult to get things back on track. These difficulties are joined with overwhelming anxiety and fear that I won't be able to get things turned around. In the moments that I am thinking about it, my brain SCREAMS at me. You know what to do! Just get back to doing it! In the off moments however, I seem to make the bad choices of everyday bad habits. It is this lack of thought towards it that scares me.
I have pondered these things all week. It is as if the triad of them is effectively ruining my chances of succeeding at any one of them. While I am concentrating on one, the others start to slip away from me. It is as if I am trying to perform a symphony by myself. I can't play the violin, the brass, and the percussion all at the same time. And yet, they are all so intertwined that progress on one almost necessitates progress on the others. I must learn to juggle.
-- ... when the whole group is together, each bringing out all that is best, wisest, or funniest in all the others. Those are the golden sessions ..."
-- CS Lewis
I don't remember if I've mentioned it before on this blog, but I have recently joined a support group within Square One. This group is focused on aiding the mental health of those on a weight loss journey. I believe it is because of this group that I have managed to slowly emerge from my "do it yourself" attitude. For whatever reason, I have been able to share my concerns with much greater openness than I have with others in the past. As a part of this group, we have done a small amount of cognitive therapy. One of the exercises was about core beliefs. What is the core belief about yourself that holds you back? Mine was that I believe myself to be "unworthy". I state it here because you can see how the failings above play on that core belief. It is a difficult thing to change. Just as I begin to make progress on feeling worthy, one of the failings will rear its ugly head to knock me back a few paces. Cognitively, I know that I shouldn't let these set-backs ruin the progress I have made, but emotionally, that is very difficult to do.
-- The heart and the mind has the shortest distance but has the longest journey.
-- TS Eliot
So that is my life right now. To put it mildly, I am struggling again ... in a number of ways. Please understand. I do not blog this mess to garner sympathy or advice from people. I am merely trying to be more honest with this blog and, more importantly, with myself. Our support group has discussed the need for keeping a journal of our feelings, thoughts and emotions. I figured this might be one way to do some of them. And maybe, someone can relate to some of this. In either case, I hope to re-read this entry in the future and realize how far I've come from this point. Of course, I will blather on and on about that in a future post should it occur.
Thanks for indulging me. :)
-- Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
-- Winston Churchill
Thursday, January 24, 2013
#25 - Two Weeks ...
-- Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.
-- Francois de La Rouchefoucauld
Well, I've already broken my very short streak of weekly posts. However, this was not due to any backslide or lack of progress. I simply got busy.
Last week, I was excitedly preparing for a weekend trip to Colorado with some of my family. It was the annual J.G.W. (Just Guys Weekend). Participants included myself, my father, brother-in-law and two of my four nephews. My oldest nephew has grown so old and responsible that he was unable to attend because his job required him to work on one of the days we were gone. While this was sad for us, we are also extremely proud that he made the right decision to honor his work commitments. And the youngest nephew would have loved to come, I'm sure. However, my dad has assured my sister that Baby B doesn't truly become a "guy" for the JGW until he is out of diapers. It seems an unreasoning prejudice against the toilet challenged, but for some reason I find that I can live with this policy.
-- In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.
-- Aristotle
Overall, the trip was fantastic. I absolutely LOVE Colorado and the time I spend out there. Some may argue that to go to a Colorado location devoid of ski resorts in the dead of winter is ludicrous. However, I disagree. It is incredibly gorgeous during this time of year. The snow sets off the mountains placing stark contrast between the ridges, valleys, canyons and crevasses. It even sets off the forests in a fashion which, if you will excuse the old saying, allows you to see the forest for the trees.
We managed to enjoy a few short hikes and a lot of good family time. However, these family trips are always a challenge for me. The family will enjoy whatever foods they want and I will be put in the position of being around some of the things that I crave. I managed pretty well on this trip and, aside from one moment of weakness where I had to leave the dinner table and go outside, all was well. I don't know if I am getting better at this, if my family is being more understanding of my issues, or this was just too short a trip to really challenge myself. I imagine it is a combination of all three. I do know (and certainly appreciate) that my brother-in-law took pains to not get strong smelling snacks at the gas stations along the way. He knows that sitting in the car and smelling the chips or chili dogs is difficult for me. I appreciate it greatly and wish I were stronger so that he wouldn't be required to make these accommodations for me. But this will do in the interim.
All this said, my results on the scale were disappointing. My results for two week's effort were a mere pound and a half. I am awaiting next week's weigh-in before I really get upset. Marty and I have both noticed that there is a post-Colorado bloat that has happened to me in the past. That and the fact that I was sick a couple of days before my weigh-in may have resulted in some water retention after I resumed normal eating. Those could just be lame excuses, but I am hanging on to them until I learn otherwise.
My thoughts for the week:
A great many good things are going on in my life. Friends are having children. I am enjoying my outside hobbies. Things are good! I need to capitalize on my happy happy joy joy feelings and use it to drive further results.
-- He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.
-- Socrates
I am also prepared to make another goal for this year. I may never become a runner. I don't know yet if I have a true love of the sport. However, I do want to run a 5k. I have walked several. Even jogged short distances on a couple. But I want to really run one. The whole way. (God help me) So, it is my intention this summer to complete an entire 5k jogging. This will be a stepping stone to bigger things if I find that I enjoy the activity.
Today, Marty gave a speech at a local business and he had me share a small portion of my story with the group assembled. I think it was good for me. No, I don't enjoy bragging or in some fashion glorifying my journey. However, it forced me to list some of the difficulties I had when I was larger and acknowledge the success I have achieved regardless of whatever backslides I have had. It is interesting to be reminded of all that I have accomplished thus far. And it reaffirms my position that all Square One members should be forced to record their story. It is an affirmation of how they are doing. And reminders of how far we have come can only help to spur ourselves to greater success.
-- There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-- Maya Angelou
So dear reader, it isn't much to report this week, but I hope to give you more soon.
-- Francois de La Rouchefoucauld
Well, I've already broken my very short streak of weekly posts. However, this was not due to any backslide or lack of progress. I simply got busy.
Last week, I was excitedly preparing for a weekend trip to Colorado with some of my family. It was the annual J.G.W. (Just Guys Weekend). Participants included myself, my father, brother-in-law and two of my four nephews. My oldest nephew has grown so old and responsible that he was unable to attend because his job required him to work on one of the days we were gone. While this was sad for us, we are also extremely proud that he made the right decision to honor his work commitments. And the youngest nephew would have loved to come, I'm sure. However, my dad has assured my sister that Baby B doesn't truly become a "guy" for the JGW until he is out of diapers. It seems an unreasoning prejudice against the toilet challenged, but for some reason I find that I can live with this policy.
-- In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.
-- Aristotle
Overall, the trip was fantastic. I absolutely LOVE Colorado and the time I spend out there. Some may argue that to go to a Colorado location devoid of ski resorts in the dead of winter is ludicrous. However, I disagree. It is incredibly gorgeous during this time of year. The snow sets off the mountains placing stark contrast between the ridges, valleys, canyons and crevasses. It even sets off the forests in a fashion which, if you will excuse the old saying, allows you to see the forest for the trees.
We managed to enjoy a few short hikes and a lot of good family time. However, these family trips are always a challenge for me. The family will enjoy whatever foods they want and I will be put in the position of being around some of the things that I crave. I managed pretty well on this trip and, aside from one moment of weakness where I had to leave the dinner table and go outside, all was well. I don't know if I am getting better at this, if my family is being more understanding of my issues, or this was just too short a trip to really challenge myself. I imagine it is a combination of all three. I do know (and certainly appreciate) that my brother-in-law took pains to not get strong smelling snacks at the gas stations along the way. He knows that sitting in the car and smelling the chips or chili dogs is difficult for me. I appreciate it greatly and wish I were stronger so that he wouldn't be required to make these accommodations for me. But this will do in the interim.
All this said, my results on the scale were disappointing. My results for two week's effort were a mere pound and a half. I am awaiting next week's weigh-in before I really get upset. Marty and I have both noticed that there is a post-Colorado bloat that has happened to me in the past. That and the fact that I was sick a couple of days before my weigh-in may have resulted in some water retention after I resumed normal eating. Those could just be lame excuses, but I am hanging on to them until I learn otherwise.
My thoughts for the week:
A great many good things are going on in my life. Friends are having children. I am enjoying my outside hobbies. Things are good! I need to capitalize on my happy happy joy joy feelings and use it to drive further results.
-- He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.
-- Socrates
I am also prepared to make another goal for this year. I may never become a runner. I don't know yet if I have a true love of the sport. However, I do want to run a 5k. I have walked several. Even jogged short distances on a couple. But I want to really run one. The whole way. (God help me) So, it is my intention this summer to complete an entire 5k jogging. This will be a stepping stone to bigger things if I find that I enjoy the activity.
Today, Marty gave a speech at a local business and he had me share a small portion of my story with the group assembled. I think it was good for me. No, I don't enjoy bragging or in some fashion glorifying my journey. However, it forced me to list some of the difficulties I had when I was larger and acknowledge the success I have achieved regardless of whatever backslides I have had. It is interesting to be reminded of all that I have accomplished thus far. And it reaffirms my position that all Square One members should be forced to record their story. It is an affirmation of how they are doing. And reminders of how far we have come can only help to spur ourselves to greater success.
-- There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-- Maya Angelou
So dear reader, it isn't much to report this week, but I hope to give you more soon.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
#24 - The Pay Off
So .....
You mean that if you ...
eat the right amount of calories ...
and go to your workouts ...
and maximize your efforts in those workouts ...
then ...
you ...
lose ...
weight?
Really? Remarkable!
-- Doing the right thing has power.
-- Laura Linney
I, of course, knew this all along. However, it seems so confusing that I didn't realize this months ago and turn it all around.
The bottom line is that exercise and reduced calories means weight loss. But there is a rather big caveat to that bottom line. It isn't easy. And more than that, it has a varying degree of difficulty for each person wanting to lose weight. All those minions at the large chain gyms try to lose that holiday 5 pounds they put on eating whatever they wanted. They will shed those pounds by merely looking at a treadmill. For those of us with a lot of weight to lose, it is a bit more difficult.
Food addiction constantly tempts us with foods that are counter productive to our journey. You may be able to fit a Twinkie into your daily calories but you are going to be hungrier for not having nutrition, protein or something to actually fill you up. The addicted brain says, "Eat it" "Eat it", but logically you know it will ruin your ability to lose weight. I wish there were an easy answer to this problem but if there is, I have not yet found it. I do, however, find that the longer I don't indulge in certain temptations, the easier it is to resist them.
The time involved in losing the weight is also something that works against us. That yoga yahoo, who had a few cookies over Christmas or a few wings at the bar on New Year's Eve, will be back at her fighting weight in a week or two. So naturally, a "diet" is an easy thing for her. I work out with people who have months if not years of work ahead of them. It takes dedication and determination on a whole different level to get to where we want to be. The next time someone tells you to just eat less and exercise, you tell them "You just jogged to your car, why don't you just run a marathon?"
-- Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other.
-- Walter Elliot
To my compatriots, I salute you. We have a tough journey ahead of us. Perfection isn't an option. There will be ups and downs. We just need to keep this roller coaster pointing in a generally downward direction overall. I am hopeful that my roller coaster is done ratcheting up the steep hill that I allowed it to do over the past few months. I'm ready for a little free fall right now.
Wow. Way to beat a metaphor to death.
-- Man needs his difficulties because they are necessary to enjoy success.
-- Abdul Kalam
My thoughts for the week:
Very positive! I kept my food journal all week. On top of that, I stayed below that dreaded sad face all week. I added some extra workouts and tried to push myself harder in each workout.
And you know what? It paid off. I lost 6.2 lbs this week. Not too bad.
It isn't all wonderful. I have a nagging leg problem that is hindering workouts. And the food issues were neither easy nor perfectly controlled. I had some indiscretions with my eating but I didn't let them go overboard (calorically speaking). And for those on the journey, here is the key: When I ate something I shouldn't, I turned it around immediately. I am a victim of the All or Nothing thinking. "I shouldn't have eaten that. Well, this day is shot. Might as well eat some more stuff I want." Why do we turn one minor mistake as an excuse to make a huge blunder? This week, I didn't do this. I gave myself a little grief for my poor choice and then moved on.
Perhaps this is a key element? There are no irrecoverable mistakes. So why do we allow them to derail us? Accept enough guilt to help prevent it from happening again and then move on. It is when I wallow in my own self-pity or self-loathing over the mistake that I continue to shove unhealthy foods into my mouth. If you acknowledge the mistake so you can avoid it in the future and then get immediately back on track, there IS ... NO ... FAILURE! It immediately transforms that silly mistake into a victory! And we can all use some more victories.
-- Failure is success if we learn from it.
-- Malcolm Forbes
Well, this is by no means a trend yet. But, it can certainly become a trend if I continue to push myself to correct behaviors and extra effort. I am, however, ecstatic about the results this week and will use it as motivation for the coming week. It is all hunky dory when things are going well. I have to store up this good mojo for the tough times.
Goal for the next week: Do some shopping and cook at home more.
-- Perfection does not breed happiness. Results do.
-- Kevin Riley ;-)
You mean that if you ...
eat the right amount of calories ...
and go to your workouts ...
and maximize your efforts in those workouts ...
then ...
you ...
lose ...
weight?
Really? Remarkable!
-- Doing the right thing has power.
-- Laura Linney
I, of course, knew this all along. However, it seems so confusing that I didn't realize this months ago and turn it all around.
The bottom line is that exercise and reduced calories means weight loss. But there is a rather big caveat to that bottom line. It isn't easy. And more than that, it has a varying degree of difficulty for each person wanting to lose weight. All those minions at the large chain gyms try to lose that holiday 5 pounds they put on eating whatever they wanted. They will shed those pounds by merely looking at a treadmill. For those of us with a lot of weight to lose, it is a bit more difficult.
Food addiction constantly tempts us with foods that are counter productive to our journey. You may be able to fit a Twinkie into your daily calories but you are going to be hungrier for not having nutrition, protein or something to actually fill you up. The addicted brain says, "Eat it" "Eat it", but logically you know it will ruin your ability to lose weight. I wish there were an easy answer to this problem but if there is, I have not yet found it. I do, however, find that the longer I don't indulge in certain temptations, the easier it is to resist them.
The time involved in losing the weight is also something that works against us. That yoga yahoo, who had a few cookies over Christmas or a few wings at the bar on New Year's Eve, will be back at her fighting weight in a week or two. So naturally, a "diet" is an easy thing for her. I work out with people who have months if not years of work ahead of them. It takes dedication and determination on a whole different level to get to where we want to be. The next time someone tells you to just eat less and exercise, you tell them "You just jogged to your car, why don't you just run a marathon?"
-- Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other.
-- Walter Elliot
To my compatriots, I salute you. We have a tough journey ahead of us. Perfection isn't an option. There will be ups and downs. We just need to keep this roller coaster pointing in a generally downward direction overall. I am hopeful that my roller coaster is done ratcheting up the steep hill that I allowed it to do over the past few months. I'm ready for a little free fall right now.
Wow. Way to beat a metaphor to death.
-- Man needs his difficulties because they are necessary to enjoy success.
-- Abdul Kalam
My thoughts for the week:
Very positive! I kept my food journal all week. On top of that, I stayed below that dreaded sad face all week. I added some extra workouts and tried to push myself harder in each workout.
And you know what? It paid off. I lost 6.2 lbs this week. Not too bad.
It isn't all wonderful. I have a nagging leg problem that is hindering workouts. And the food issues were neither easy nor perfectly controlled. I had some indiscretions with my eating but I didn't let them go overboard (calorically speaking). And for those on the journey, here is the key: When I ate something I shouldn't, I turned it around immediately. I am a victim of the All or Nothing thinking. "I shouldn't have eaten that. Well, this day is shot. Might as well eat some more stuff I want." Why do we turn one minor mistake as an excuse to make a huge blunder? This week, I didn't do this. I gave myself a little grief for my poor choice and then moved on.
Perhaps this is a key element? There are no irrecoverable mistakes. So why do we allow them to derail us? Accept enough guilt to help prevent it from happening again and then move on. It is when I wallow in my own self-pity or self-loathing over the mistake that I continue to shove unhealthy foods into my mouth. If you acknowledge the mistake so you can avoid it in the future and then get immediately back on track, there IS ... NO ... FAILURE! It immediately transforms that silly mistake into a victory! And we can all use some more victories.
-- Failure is success if we learn from it.
-- Malcolm Forbes
Well, this is by no means a trend yet. But, it can certainly become a trend if I continue to push myself to correct behaviors and extra effort. I am, however, ecstatic about the results this week and will use it as motivation for the coming week. It is all hunky dory when things are going well. I have to store up this good mojo for the tough times.
Goal for the next week: Do some shopping and cook at home more.
-- Perfection does not breed happiness. Results do.
-- Kevin Riley ;-)
Thursday, January 3, 2013
#23 - It starts ..... again.
Today was the first day of the new dedication. I still struggle but I can feel myself getting my determination back in line.
-- We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road.
-- C.S. Lewis
I weighed in today and found that I had lost about 0.8 of a pound. This is both a victory and a frustration. It is a victory because I had managed to finally get those dang numbers going the right direction again. It was a result of a renewed vigor in working out as well as stringing together a couple of decent days (calorically speaking).
The frustration derives form a feeling of failed purpose. I had managed to do very well for two days and then, last night, disaster. I had difficulty sleeping and found myself munching on food that I didn't need. I can't help but think what my weight loss might have been if I hadn't flaked out at the last minute. Perhaps it wouldn't have been drastically different but in the long run, I would have felt more confident with that number if I hadn't given in to temptation a scant 8 hours before the weigh in.
But I refuse to let it get me down. I am basically pleased with my result this week, though it is minimal. It is a move in the right direction. It is the first move in the right direction in several months. For this reason, it is a victory.
-- Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.
-- Brian Tracy
Marty has given us something to ponder. Rather than setting goals based on the scale (which I have still done despite his advice), he wants us to focus on goals pertaining to giving our all. Set a goal which states that you will push yourself to the limits. Set a goal that you will be as diligent on your diet as is humanly possible. Do what is necessary for success. I like this mentality. It focuses on good habits which will eventually lead to the numbers on the scale.
That being said, I have a numbers goal. 46 lbs in two months. This isn't going to be easy, but I want it. And wanting it will drive me to push for it. Why such an odd number you ask? I'm so happy you did. If I can lose the 46 lbs in two months, I will have lost a total of 200 lbs. This is huge for me. It sets me up for future goals too. The 250 lb mark. After that, the under 300 lbs mark. After that, who knows? But this is my plan. Parcel it out. Lofty, but manageable goals like stepping stones will lead me to the ultimate goal of health and a new body.
Why is this thinking different? I've been lamenting at the length of the journey. I've been extremely depressed about my recent backslide because of the "extra" work it causes me as I try to lose the weight I've put back on. I've felt out of control and unmotivated. But in typing that last paragraph, a sequence of events has shown me the possibilities. Could I really be under 300 lbs by next New Years? Absolutely! That is incredible to realize. It builds motivation to push hard and bear down. If I managed another year even remotely close to my first year (a difficult if not nearly impossible task), I could be looking at a total loss of 300 lbs by 2014!
My thoughts for the week:
Mostly positive. I am focusing on correct practices. Trying to limit my failings. Spending time visualizing what I want. Do I want a hamburger? Or do I want to shed this weight? Once I can envision some of the benefits of these goals, I can begin to identify and do the things I need to succeed.
-- Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.
-- Denis Waitley
My goals:
Short Term:
Medium Term:
-- We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road.
-- C.S. Lewis
I weighed in today and found that I had lost about 0.8 of a pound. This is both a victory and a frustration. It is a victory because I had managed to finally get those dang numbers going the right direction again. It was a result of a renewed vigor in working out as well as stringing together a couple of decent days (calorically speaking).
The frustration derives form a feeling of failed purpose. I had managed to do very well for two days and then, last night, disaster. I had difficulty sleeping and found myself munching on food that I didn't need. I can't help but think what my weight loss might have been if I hadn't flaked out at the last minute. Perhaps it wouldn't have been drastically different but in the long run, I would have felt more confident with that number if I hadn't given in to temptation a scant 8 hours before the weigh in.
But I refuse to let it get me down. I am basically pleased with my result this week, though it is minimal. It is a move in the right direction. It is the first move in the right direction in several months. For this reason, it is a victory.
-- Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.
-- Brian Tracy
Marty has given us something to ponder. Rather than setting goals based on the scale (which I have still done despite his advice), he wants us to focus on goals pertaining to giving our all. Set a goal which states that you will push yourself to the limits. Set a goal that you will be as diligent on your diet as is humanly possible. Do what is necessary for success. I like this mentality. It focuses on good habits which will eventually lead to the numbers on the scale.
That being said, I have a numbers goal. 46 lbs in two months. This isn't going to be easy, but I want it. And wanting it will drive me to push for it. Why such an odd number you ask? I'm so happy you did. If I can lose the 46 lbs in two months, I will have lost a total of 200 lbs. This is huge for me. It sets me up for future goals too. The 250 lb mark. After that, the under 300 lbs mark. After that, who knows? But this is my plan. Parcel it out. Lofty, but manageable goals like stepping stones will lead me to the ultimate goal of health and a new body.
Why is this thinking different? I've been lamenting at the length of the journey. I've been extremely depressed about my recent backslide because of the "extra" work it causes me as I try to lose the weight I've put back on. I've felt out of control and unmotivated. But in typing that last paragraph, a sequence of events has shown me the possibilities. Could I really be under 300 lbs by next New Years? Absolutely! That is incredible to realize. It builds motivation to push hard and bear down. If I managed another year even remotely close to my first year (a difficult if not nearly impossible task), I could be looking at a total loss of 300 lbs by 2014!
My thoughts for the week:
Mostly positive. I am focusing on correct practices. Trying to limit my failings. Spending time visualizing what I want. Do I want a hamburger? Or do I want to shed this weight? Once I can envision some of the benefits of these goals, I can begin to identify and do the things I need to succeed.
-- Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.
-- Denis Waitley
My goals:
Short Term:
- Food Journal Food Journal Food Journal. Focus on the right foods.
- Deal with the inevitable hungers and cravings I will be suffering due to my recent bout of "free" living.
- Catalog those cravings to realize the damage I did to myself by going off the rails. Perhaps it will help me stop when I start to do it again.
Medium Term:
- 46 pounds down in two months.
- Push myself in my Square One workouts to maximize the benefits of them.
- Fit in extra workouts at least three times a week.
- Spend time walking in the off times to get the benefit of even a moderate exercise.
-- Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there.
-- Bo Jackson
Hope and Dream zone:
These are goals that are probably unreachable. Or, at least, very aggressive. Am I setting myself up for failure with these? I don't think so. I don't honestly believe I will make them. They serve the purpose of pushing me to work even harder. If time proves that I am making headway towards them, I will move them to the Medium Term goals as a reasonable option.
- 106 lbs down by April 12th bringing me to that coveted new number of "2" at the beginning of my weight
- Climb Flattop Mountain this summer
- 146 lbs down by the holiday season bringing me to a total of 300 lbs lost thus perfectly positioning me for the toughest of seasons for the food addict.
- Run a half Marathon in May of 2014
So this is a week of hope. This is a week of dreaming. This week, I can see the possibilities and I am allowing myself to believe they are possible. Keeping this firmly in mind, I can begin to use it as fuel to drive my journey. No, I don't want that fast food. It will hold me back. Get that excess food away from me! It will prevent me from the excitement these goals will provide.
-- Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.
-- Jim Ryun
To all my Square One friends, this is my weekly realization. I hope you all can adopt in your own way. Identify what you want. Long term wants. What is it that can motivate you? Do you want to fit in that dress? Buy it now! Hang it up on the Fridge. Put a picture of it in your car. Find something that will motivate you. Evaluate it daily.
Then use it! Why am I going to the club tonight? Because I want to make the progress that will get me what I want! Why am I not going to eat that thing I shouldn't? Because it will keep me from what I want. When you can do this, those tempting foods will be evil demons hell bent on ruining our lives. And that will help us put them aside.
It isn't easy. But I intend to give it my very best.
Good luck! I will need it too. I will let you know how it goes. Please feel free to let me know your wants, goals and plans to get there. This blog has shown me that it helps to share.
Let's do it! Together!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
#22 - Soul Searching
Hello again.
I would apologize for my lack of posts lately, but the apology must be for something much deeper than a mere absence. I have been lying to you dear reader. Not directly, but a serious lie of omission has occurred. My absence has been deliberate and born out of the self loathing I have felt over my lack of discipline and control. It is something I am not proud of and I will endeavor to be more honest and forthcoming in the future.
-- Half a truth is often a great lie.
-- Benjamin Franklin
To fill you in, I have been nearly completely off the rails for several months. I was horrified recently to realize my lowest weight of the past year was over four months ago. I have not been keeping my food journal. I find excuses to miss workouts. I have felt hypocritical as I give advice to others to aid them on their journeys. All of this only serves to feed a growing sense of depression which is only decreasing my desire to get back on track. Each and every weigh in at Square One only served to deepen my sense of failure and remorse. I was spiraling out of control on a track back to weights I no longer want to see.
As usual, Marty managed to play a little mental mumbo jumbo that managed to start me thinking about fighting back and pushing hard again. At the beginning of my journey with him, he wanted me to send him an email with a list of all the reasons why it stinks to be overweight (specifically 560 pounds). I believe I listed a number of them in an earlier post. After a particularly depressing weigh in, Marty re-read my email back to me. As the tears flowed, he asked me why I was so emotional. My response was that I didn't want to go back to that life. However, that was also a half-truth. I don't want to go back to that life, but the honest reason for the tears was that I was deathly afraid that I was going to be unable to prevent myself from going back there.
This isn't a feeling created from thin air. I have a history of doing this very sequence of events. History has shown on a number of occasions that I have the discipline to lose a large chunk of weight (if you will excuse the term) and then fall off the wagon. Always after, I would allow my self to balloon up to ever greater weights. Marty's mental ploy has allowed me to stop and think. Stop! Find a way to turn this back in the right direction.
-- The history of free men is never really written by chance but by choice; their choice!
-- Dwight D Eisenhower
Towards that end, I feel a need to analyze my thoughts now. The mindset of falling off the wagon is nearly as insidious as food addiction itself. I am back in the habit of "cutting myself some slack." Sure, enjoy that food you know is bad for you. It is just one bad thing. Until the next bad thing. It is also hard just to get back to right foods. All the foods you know are right for you seem unappetizing because your addicted brain is screaming for the unhealthy foods it wants. And, the healthy foods you've been eating (telling yourself that this proves you aren't completely off the diet) are in such large amounts that it is difficult to return to what is an appropriate portion size.
Why do I let food have this much power over me? Will it ever get easier? I have to believe it will. I don't think it will ever go away, but I need to believe that there will come a time when this addiction is more manageable. Now, I can hear Marty and Amy telling me that it is never "easy." I know this. I am simply hoping that at some point it becomes "easier."
Marty and I have discussed what to do to get me back on track. It is so stupid. I know what needs to be done, but the doing is more elusive than I ever thought possible. *Sigh* It is infuriating and it may drive me absolutely insane. I don't know if I can truthfully impress upon you how desperately I want to succeed on this journey. Every fiber of my being yearns to be healthier, skinnier, and successful. And yet, the same brain that vibrates with this desire is also the brain makes all these poor decisions. You would think that my desire would be enough to push me through, but all it does is cause self-doubt, guilt and self loathing when I don't do the things I know I should. I feel so weak.
-- He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most busy life. But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon reign.
-- Victor Hugo
So, here is my new plan. First, I am going to get more serious about a regular work out plan. As Marty so astutely observed, it is easier to manage the diet when you are faithfully following your workout regimen. Start the discipline with that and the rest will hopefully follow. Second, I am going to need to get back on keeping my food journal. Lastly, I intend to blog here more often. Ideally, I would like to blog weekly with a re-cap that lists my weight loss or weight gain and allows me to analyze the reasons for either. Now don't get on my case immediately. These plans are to be implemented in stages. First stage, working out.
So as I look at the last 11 hours of 2012, I suppose it is only appropriate to learn from the past year and plan for the next one. I need to simultaneously be more strict with myself while cutting myself some slack. The strictness will help fuel the discipline needed to turn this around. However, in an effort to love myself more, I need to realize that I am still 160 pounds less than I was 20 months ago instead of lamenting that I was once 180 pounds less. I need to do a better job of finding the positives in life. I recently worked on a project for a Christmas gift in which I saw all the old family pictures of my youth. I barely remember that Kevin. He was so positive, fun-loving, and excited about nearly everything he did. Confident and sure, he proudly leaped into any exciting adventure he could find. Not sure the exact moment that changed, but I need to get it back.
In other words, I have a lot of work to do in 2013. I will have to simultaneously attack the physical journey and the mental journey. Wish me luck.
-- The New Year is a beautiful bouquet of newer unfolding opportunities to fulfill unfinished commitments with renewed vigour of heart and move-up on an accelerating speed to reach to a new milestone ... and enriching life's journey.
-- Anuj Somany
I would apologize for my lack of posts lately, but the apology must be for something much deeper than a mere absence. I have been lying to you dear reader. Not directly, but a serious lie of omission has occurred. My absence has been deliberate and born out of the self loathing I have felt over my lack of discipline and control. It is something I am not proud of and I will endeavor to be more honest and forthcoming in the future.
-- Half a truth is often a great lie.
-- Benjamin Franklin
To fill you in, I have been nearly completely off the rails for several months. I was horrified recently to realize my lowest weight of the past year was over four months ago. I have not been keeping my food journal. I find excuses to miss workouts. I have felt hypocritical as I give advice to others to aid them on their journeys. All of this only serves to feed a growing sense of depression which is only decreasing my desire to get back on track. Each and every weigh in at Square One only served to deepen my sense of failure and remorse. I was spiraling out of control on a track back to weights I no longer want to see.
As usual, Marty managed to play a little mental mumbo jumbo that managed to start me thinking about fighting back and pushing hard again. At the beginning of my journey with him, he wanted me to send him an email with a list of all the reasons why it stinks to be overweight (specifically 560 pounds). I believe I listed a number of them in an earlier post. After a particularly depressing weigh in, Marty re-read my email back to me. As the tears flowed, he asked me why I was so emotional. My response was that I didn't want to go back to that life. However, that was also a half-truth. I don't want to go back to that life, but the honest reason for the tears was that I was deathly afraid that I was going to be unable to prevent myself from going back there.
This isn't a feeling created from thin air. I have a history of doing this very sequence of events. History has shown on a number of occasions that I have the discipline to lose a large chunk of weight (if you will excuse the term) and then fall off the wagon. Always after, I would allow my self to balloon up to ever greater weights. Marty's mental ploy has allowed me to stop and think. Stop! Find a way to turn this back in the right direction.
-- The history of free men is never really written by chance but by choice; their choice!
-- Dwight D Eisenhower
Towards that end, I feel a need to analyze my thoughts now. The mindset of falling off the wagon is nearly as insidious as food addiction itself. I am back in the habit of "cutting myself some slack." Sure, enjoy that food you know is bad for you. It is just one bad thing. Until the next bad thing. It is also hard just to get back to right foods. All the foods you know are right for you seem unappetizing because your addicted brain is screaming for the unhealthy foods it wants. And, the healthy foods you've been eating (telling yourself that this proves you aren't completely off the diet) are in such large amounts that it is difficult to return to what is an appropriate portion size.
Why do I let food have this much power over me? Will it ever get easier? I have to believe it will. I don't think it will ever go away, but I need to believe that there will come a time when this addiction is more manageable. Now, I can hear Marty and Amy telling me that it is never "easy." I know this. I am simply hoping that at some point it becomes "easier."
Marty and I have discussed what to do to get me back on track. It is so stupid. I know what needs to be done, but the doing is more elusive than I ever thought possible. *Sigh* It is infuriating and it may drive me absolutely insane. I don't know if I can truthfully impress upon you how desperately I want to succeed on this journey. Every fiber of my being yearns to be healthier, skinnier, and successful. And yet, the same brain that vibrates with this desire is also the brain makes all these poor decisions. You would think that my desire would be enough to push me through, but all it does is cause self-doubt, guilt and self loathing when I don't do the things I know I should. I feel so weak.
-- He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most busy life. But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon reign.
-- Victor Hugo
So, here is my new plan. First, I am going to get more serious about a regular work out plan. As Marty so astutely observed, it is easier to manage the diet when you are faithfully following your workout regimen. Start the discipline with that and the rest will hopefully follow. Second, I am going to need to get back on keeping my food journal. Lastly, I intend to blog here more often. Ideally, I would like to blog weekly with a re-cap that lists my weight loss or weight gain and allows me to analyze the reasons for either. Now don't get on my case immediately. These plans are to be implemented in stages. First stage, working out.
So as I look at the last 11 hours of 2012, I suppose it is only appropriate to learn from the past year and plan for the next one. I need to simultaneously be more strict with myself while cutting myself some slack. The strictness will help fuel the discipline needed to turn this around. However, in an effort to love myself more, I need to realize that I am still 160 pounds less than I was 20 months ago instead of lamenting that I was once 180 pounds less. I need to do a better job of finding the positives in life. I recently worked on a project for a Christmas gift in which I saw all the old family pictures of my youth. I barely remember that Kevin. He was so positive, fun-loving, and excited about nearly everything he did. Confident and sure, he proudly leaped into any exciting adventure he could find. Not sure the exact moment that changed, but I need to get it back.
In other words, I have a lot of work to do in 2013. I will have to simultaneously attack the physical journey and the mental journey. Wish me luck.
-- The New Year is a beautiful bouquet of newer unfolding opportunities to fulfill unfinished commitments with renewed vigour of heart and move-up on an accelerating speed to reach to a new milestone ... and enriching life's journey.
-- Anuj Somany
Friday, July 6, 2012
#21 - Colorado -- Take Two
If you have not read blog entry #5 - Colorado, please read it first or none of the following will seem wondrous.
-- Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
-- Arnold H Glasgow
We hiked to the Pool and back today! It was such a fun experience for me and a huge triumph. I could tell from the very beginning that I was setting a much faster pace than the last time. Pretty soon, my father pointed out that the place we were passing so quickly was the spot I asked him how much farther to the arches. The significance of this is that when I asked that question in the first trip, that was when I had accepted that I wasn't going to finish and was trying to determine whether to give up and turn around or to at least make it to the arches. This time, I wasn't even a little fatigued.
Soon we 'round the bend to the arches and I can't believe how easy it has been. We stop for a short reflection and water break. Then we head on up to the Pool. It feels fantastic to hit a goal like that. It took me back to my younger days when I would set new goals and accomplish them regularly on hikes like these. It made me realize how much progress I've made in a few short months.
The walk back was similarly easy. By the last quarter mile or so, I was feeling some pain in my feet and joints. Mostly due to some of the steep downhill portions and just my weight pounding my feet into some off the rocks. But it felt great over all.
Even given my last month of nearly no progress, it is wonderful to realize how much progress I've achieved in such a short amount of time. A hike, that I quit .7 miles early and still thought of as a death march, was now an easily obtainable success. Perhaps future years will see me climb mountains again. Rock climbing and rappelling. Backpacking and camping. Sky's the limit.
-- Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.
-- Napoleon Hill
-- Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
-- Arnold H Glasgow
We hiked to the Pool and back today! It was such a fun experience for me and a huge triumph. I could tell from the very beginning that I was setting a much faster pace than the last time. Pretty soon, my father pointed out that the place we were passing so quickly was the spot I asked him how much farther to the arches. The significance of this is that when I asked that question in the first trip, that was when I had accepted that I wasn't going to finish and was trying to determine whether to give up and turn around or to at least make it to the arches. This time, I wasn't even a little fatigued.
Soon we 'round the bend to the arches and I can't believe how easy it has been. We stop for a short reflection and water break. Then we head on up to the Pool. It feels fantastic to hit a goal like that. It took me back to my younger days when I would set new goals and accomplish them regularly on hikes like these. It made me realize how much progress I've made in a few short months.
The walk back was similarly easy. By the last quarter mile or so, I was feeling some pain in my feet and joints. Mostly due to some of the steep downhill portions and just my weight pounding my feet into some off the rocks. But it felt great over all.
Even given my last month of nearly no progress, it is wonderful to realize how much progress I've achieved in such a short amount of time. A hike, that I quit .7 miles early and still thought of as a death march, was now an easily obtainable success. Perhaps future years will see me climb mountains again. Rock climbing and rappelling. Backpacking and camping. Sky's the limit.
-- Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.
-- Napoleon Hill
#20 - Struggling
-- Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts.
-- Edward R. Murrow
To say that the last month or more has been difficult, would be a severe understatement. My diet has been loose and as a result, the scale has been unforgiving. Work outs have been good and I feel stronger every day, but that is just the physical side of things. The mental side is breaking down.
I am finding it too easy to rationalize bad food choices. I am also eating too much of the good food choices. And to add insult to injury, I am not keeping my food journal so I really have no idea how poorly I am eating.
All of this combined to give me the worst month of my journey. For the entire month of may, I managed a meager 0.6 pound weight loss. It is completely frustrating and infuriating because I know I am better than that. I also know that if I want to make it to most of my goals, I have to produce much better numbers than that.
-- Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
And now, I am faced with a family trip to Colorado. Normally, this is something I really look forward to doing. This time, I am scared. I am in the least secure mental space of my entire journey. You only have to read my blog post about my meltdown on a previous trip to know why I am worried this time. My family just doesn't get it. They want to help and, with good intentions, offer to cook more meals at the cabin. This is fine and dandy, but it isn't just being at restaurants. My difficulties with this trip are that not only will I have to watch them eat all the junk food, but I will also have to be the reason they don't get to go eat/do what they want to do. Why aren't we going out to eat? Kevin. Why aren't we going to the Taffy Shop? Kevin. Why aren't we doing Smores over a firepit? Kevin. Who wants that role?
But, in the end, I will probably go. I will try to maintain so I can watch my niece and nephews have fun in the mountains. But I am terrified. I get the news that I am in the least control of my journey in 14 months two days before I go on a trip practically designed to derail me.
-- In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
-- Albert Einstein
As for the general problem with my journey, I need new motivation. All my old goals still hold true and I still feel the same desires for success that I have had in the past. But for whatever reason, they are not providing me with the same resolve that I have had in the past.
So, I am going to re-read these blog entries. I am going to list my successes. I am going to acknowledge my failings. And hopefully, I can find new motivations or, at the very least, renewed resolve. The situation isn't drastically different. The path to success is more or less the same. It has to come from me.
-- Things do not change; we change.
-- Henry David Thoreau
-- Edward R. Murrow
To say that the last month or more has been difficult, would be a severe understatement. My diet has been loose and as a result, the scale has been unforgiving. Work outs have been good and I feel stronger every day, but that is just the physical side of things. The mental side is breaking down.
I am finding it too easy to rationalize bad food choices. I am also eating too much of the good food choices. And to add insult to injury, I am not keeping my food journal so I really have no idea how poorly I am eating.
All of this combined to give me the worst month of my journey. For the entire month of may, I managed a meager 0.6 pound weight loss. It is completely frustrating and infuriating because I know I am better than that. I also know that if I want to make it to most of my goals, I have to produce much better numbers than that.
-- Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
And now, I am faced with a family trip to Colorado. Normally, this is something I really look forward to doing. This time, I am scared. I am in the least secure mental space of my entire journey. You only have to read my blog post about my meltdown on a previous trip to know why I am worried this time. My family just doesn't get it. They want to help and, with good intentions, offer to cook more meals at the cabin. This is fine and dandy, but it isn't just being at restaurants. My difficulties with this trip are that not only will I have to watch them eat all the junk food, but I will also have to be the reason they don't get to go eat/do what they want to do. Why aren't we going out to eat? Kevin. Why aren't we going to the Taffy Shop? Kevin. Why aren't we doing Smores over a firepit? Kevin. Who wants that role?
But, in the end, I will probably go. I will try to maintain so I can watch my niece and nephews have fun in the mountains. But I am terrified. I get the news that I am in the least control of my journey in 14 months two days before I go on a trip practically designed to derail me.
-- In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
-- Albert Einstein
As for the general problem with my journey, I need new motivation. All my old goals still hold true and I still feel the same desires for success that I have had in the past. But for whatever reason, they are not providing me with the same resolve that I have had in the past.
So, I am going to re-read these blog entries. I am going to list my successes. I am going to acknowledge my failings. And hopefully, I can find new motivations or, at the very least, renewed resolve. The situation isn't drastically different. The path to success is more or less the same. It has to come from me.
-- Things do not change; we change.
-- Henry David Thoreau
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
#19 - Changing Body, Changing Mind
-- Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind.
-- Thomas Jefferson
What is harder? Changing your body or changing your mind. I don't mean changing your mind like "hmmm, I think I'll have chicken instead of fish today." I mean changing the fundamental mindsets that you have developed over years of experience. How do you change some of those core feelings, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that make you who you are?
-- We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think.
-- Buddha
-- Thomas Jefferson
What is harder? Changing your body or changing your mind. I don't mean changing your mind like "hmmm, I think I'll have chicken instead of fish today." I mean changing the fundamental mindsets that you have developed over years of experience. How do you change some of those core feelings, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that make you who you are?
-- We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think.
-- Buddha
Clearly, I am showing my bias that it is more difficult to change your mind. This is a scary concept to me because changing my body is a long and difficult process. To face the prospect that I may have a harder journey of the mind ahead of me is more than little daunting. And timing is everything. My inclination is to say "Right now, I am working on my body. I will work on my mind when this first journey is over." But it isn't that simple. So much of this journey to better health is tied into those pesky mental pitfalls. Thus, I must begin to look at them if I am going to make significant progress in the changing of the body. For example, I must understand why I packed on 350 extra pounds if I am going to be able to effectively make the life long changes necessary to lose the weight and keep it off.
This is such a convoluted issue that I cannot possibly address all my mental battles in this one blog. However, here are a few that challenge me.
-- There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.
-- Ronald Reagan
First, and most crucial, I must start addressing self image. It is almost universally true that overweight people have a self image problem. We can debate whether this is due to a dislike of our appearance or a reaction to the way a society that reveres the thin judges and treats the obese. But the reason for the self image problem does little to help me on fixing the problem. However, it is a crucial mental attitude to adjust because we have seen so many people who lose the weight and still don't like the way they look. Weight loss can certainly help the self image, but it is clear that if you are not comfortable in you skin long before you lose the weight, you may still be uncomfortable with the newer, thinner you. I wish I could offer my solutions on the matter, but this is a continuing struggle for me. I can say that making progress on my journey and working in a club designed to help others is doing wonders for the self image, but it has not eradicated the image issues I've had for a long time.
-- Giving up represents a choice you make when you decide not to take action on something over which you actually do have control.
-- Darren L Johnson
Second, one makes a great many mental resignations as they get older and fatter over the course of many years. I have made a number of them. In nearly every case, they are a giving up of things you really want in order to be more comfortable in your worsening situation. It hurts to make the resignation, but helps in the long run because once you admit it isn't in the cards, you stop wishing for it or being sad that you don't have it. One of the biggest of these resignations for me was a decision that I was going to finish life alone. Never a boyfriend, never a husband, never a father. I decided I would be content to be a good uncle, brother and friend to those around me. I had managed to convince myself that it was ok that, in my opinion, I was unlovable (in a romantic sense) and I was too old to pursue the goals of love and family. How does one re-establish that connection to the heart? How can one make himself believe? And most worrisome, has one waited too long? Again, I don't have the answers. I will say that the hope this journey offers makes some of this seem more possible, but it is a nagging concern.
-- It is not death or pain that is to be dreaded, but the fear of pain or death.
-- Epictetus
Third, the catalyst. Many overweight people have some sort of event in their life that serves as a catalyst to truly getting out of control. A lot of people at the club report that they have struggled with weight their whole life, but the truly obese always seem to have an event of some kind that made them really start gaining weight much more rapidly. I don't know the psychology of this, but if I had to guess, I would think there is something that occurs to make a person stop caring about the struggle. Something that damages their self-esteem to the point where they no longer worry about fighting their weight. A death of a loved one. An abusive relationship. A truly embarrassing situation. It could be any number of things.
I have been trying to find this event in myself. It is difficult to pinpoint because I have had a general progression to higher weights for a good portion of my life. Where did it get worse? Where did I stop caring about how much I gained? As near as I can figure, my catalyst was .... a girl. I felt I was in love and that person rather abruptly left my life. I think this began a cycle of emotional eating and marks the moment where weight became my shield. I used it to push away potential romantic interests so no one could hurt me again. If I was unlovable or unattractive, good! I may not be completely happy but perhaps my heart would be safe. This is a difficult thing to overcome because it becomes so ingrained that it is nearly completely subconscious. I wish I knew how to change it, but it is a part of my struggle. Again, no answers. But hopefully acknowledging it here will give me some reminder to be putting my mind to changing this within myself.
The mental journey, just as the physical one, is a forever one. Even if you reach your goals and handle some of these issues, it will more than likely just reveal more. However, I am hopeful that by honestly accepting these failings within myself, I can begin to make them better. And in so doing, I may help myself continue on the path to better health. Both physically AND mentally.
-- All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind.
-- Abraham Lincoln
This is such a convoluted issue that I cannot possibly address all my mental battles in this one blog. However, here are a few that challenge me.
-- There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.
-- Ronald Reagan
First, and most crucial, I must start addressing self image. It is almost universally true that overweight people have a self image problem. We can debate whether this is due to a dislike of our appearance or a reaction to the way a society that reveres the thin judges and treats the obese. But the reason for the self image problem does little to help me on fixing the problem. However, it is a crucial mental attitude to adjust because we have seen so many people who lose the weight and still don't like the way they look. Weight loss can certainly help the self image, but it is clear that if you are not comfortable in you skin long before you lose the weight, you may still be uncomfortable with the newer, thinner you. I wish I could offer my solutions on the matter, but this is a continuing struggle for me. I can say that making progress on my journey and working in a club designed to help others is doing wonders for the self image, but it has not eradicated the image issues I've had for a long time.
-- Giving up represents a choice you make when you decide not to take action on something over which you actually do have control.
-- Darren L Johnson
Second, one makes a great many mental resignations as they get older and fatter over the course of many years. I have made a number of them. In nearly every case, they are a giving up of things you really want in order to be more comfortable in your worsening situation. It hurts to make the resignation, but helps in the long run because once you admit it isn't in the cards, you stop wishing for it or being sad that you don't have it. One of the biggest of these resignations for me was a decision that I was going to finish life alone. Never a boyfriend, never a husband, never a father. I decided I would be content to be a good uncle, brother and friend to those around me. I had managed to convince myself that it was ok that, in my opinion, I was unlovable (in a romantic sense) and I was too old to pursue the goals of love and family. How does one re-establish that connection to the heart? How can one make himself believe? And most worrisome, has one waited too long? Again, I don't have the answers. I will say that the hope this journey offers makes some of this seem more possible, but it is a nagging concern.
-- It is not death or pain that is to be dreaded, but the fear of pain or death.
-- Epictetus
Third, the catalyst. Many overweight people have some sort of event in their life that serves as a catalyst to truly getting out of control. A lot of people at the club report that they have struggled with weight their whole life, but the truly obese always seem to have an event of some kind that made them really start gaining weight much more rapidly. I don't know the psychology of this, but if I had to guess, I would think there is something that occurs to make a person stop caring about the struggle. Something that damages their self-esteem to the point where they no longer worry about fighting their weight. A death of a loved one. An abusive relationship. A truly embarrassing situation. It could be any number of things.
I have been trying to find this event in myself. It is difficult to pinpoint because I have had a general progression to higher weights for a good portion of my life. Where did it get worse? Where did I stop caring about how much I gained? As near as I can figure, my catalyst was .... a girl. I felt I was in love and that person rather abruptly left my life. I think this began a cycle of emotional eating and marks the moment where weight became my shield. I used it to push away potential romantic interests so no one could hurt me again. If I was unlovable or unattractive, good! I may not be completely happy but perhaps my heart would be safe. This is a difficult thing to overcome because it becomes so ingrained that it is nearly completely subconscious. I wish I knew how to change it, but it is a part of my struggle. Again, no answers. But hopefully acknowledging it here will give me some reminder to be putting my mind to changing this within myself.
The mental journey, just as the physical one, is a forever one. Even if you reach your goals and handle some of these issues, it will more than likely just reveal more. However, I am hopeful that by honestly accepting these failings within myself, I can begin to make them better. And in so doing, I may help myself continue on the path to better health. Both physically AND mentally.
-- All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
#18 - One Year ..... Many Accomplishments.
April 12th, 2012.
"An anniversary is a time to celebrate the joys of today, the memories of yesterday, and the hopes of tomorrow." -- Author Unknown
"An anniversary is a time to celebrate the joys of today, the memories of yesterday, and the hopes of tomorrow." -- Author Unknown
As you may or may not have noticed, I mentioned that I started my journey with Mr. Marty on April 12, 2011. This makes today particularly significant in the progress of my journey. One year. An Anniversary. A chance to reflect on how far one has come and where one wants to go.
First, I must apologize. It has been a great amount of time since the last entry. I can only blame a fantastically busy life at Square One. Recently, Marty and Square One were featured in the Omaha newspaper (yours truly was also quoted, but I won't let it go to my head). This article set off a firestorm of interest in the club. We have been inundated with people who want to be a part of something this special. In just a few short weeks, we filled up to capacity by increasing our number of clients by 110-120%! Now we are awash with plans to expand so we can continue to grow. We have maxed out on Marty's time so we will have to get some new trainers. We have maxed out on space so we will have to look at new locations. It is a large amount of work, but it is definitely the way we want to be headed.
Back to the anniversary ....
Before After
550+ lbs 392 lbs
Unable to walk without pain Recently did a 4.4 mile hike
9x shirts, 58 waist pants 4x shirts, 52 waist pants
No work outs, but started with 2 a week working out 6 times a week (at least)
These are just markers of the true benefits received.
I have talked before of the incredibly wonderful change in attitude and esteem received simply by worked towards health instead of towards death. One might say that is overly dramatic wording, but it serves to show how I really felt at 550+ pounds. On this day, I reflect of the difference in my daily life.
I was alone. Eating junk food 100% of the time. Unable to move and depressed. Sitting in the recliner and watching hours of TV. I was so out of shape that despite crushing depression and loneliness, an invite to get together with family and/or friends had to be seriously considered because it was a huge exertion of energy and a tremendous amount of pain. I used to scoff at the people you would see who were bedridden and unable to move. How could they let themselves get to that point? How could they live like that? Fortunately, I bypassed that stage (barely) but I can see how one would get to that point. It sneaks up on you. Today's decision not to force yourself out and about, not to incur the pain movement causes is one step closer to being stuck.
Now, I am eating healthier. I am moving without difficulty. I am happier with a new mission of helping others. I have a new group of friends to supplement my loyal friends of the past.
I cannot tell you how happy I am that these changes have been made.
Sorry this post is so short. I promise more is coming. I have two ideas that I intend to write this weekend. One will discuss the mental side of this journey. The other will be my soap box moment on obesity, specifically with regard to it being one of the last acceptable prejudices.
"The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
I was alone. Eating junk food 100% of the time. Unable to move and depressed. Sitting in the recliner and watching hours of TV. I was so out of shape that despite crushing depression and loneliness, an invite to get together with family and/or friends had to be seriously considered because it was a huge exertion of energy and a tremendous amount of pain. I used to scoff at the people you would see who were bedridden and unable to move. How could they let themselves get to that point? How could they live like that? Fortunately, I bypassed that stage (barely) but I can see how one would get to that point. It sneaks up on you. Today's decision not to force yourself out and about, not to incur the pain movement causes is one step closer to being stuck.
Now, I am eating healthier. I am moving without difficulty. I am happier with a new mission of helping others. I have a new group of friends to supplement my loyal friends of the past.
I cannot tell you how happy I am that these changes have been made.
Sorry this post is so short. I promise more is coming. I have two ideas that I intend to write this weekend. One will discuss the mental side of this journey. The other will be my soap box moment on obesity, specifically with regard to it being one of the last acceptable prejudices.
"The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
#17 - Super Bowl and other dramatic changes.
-- People who work together will win, whether it be against complex football defenses, or the problems of modern society.
-- Vince Lombardi
Hello sports fans! Welcome to a new world in sports enjoyment!
That crazy Marty. He read that the Super Bowl is America's second largest consumption day of the year. Amazingly, the average American consumes around 3000 calories during the Super Bowl. Let me clarify.... That isn't 3000 calories on Super Bowl Sunday. That is 3000 calories in the 3 1/2 hours that the game plays! What's worse, that 3000 calories is comprised of fatty foods, high sodium foods and alcohol. So, he decided it would be a good idea to change things around.
A group of Square One Clients, Marty and his wife Amy joined together to try and do our part to re-write the statistics on the Super Bowl experience. Instead of eating and boozing our way through the game, we spent the entire run of the game on cardio equipment and other exercise activities (push ups, sit ups, step ups, etc). If we look at the average per person calorie total of 3000, we can show that by exercising for 3 1/2 hours we avoided the intake of 45,000 calories. But the swing is even larger! We burned over 23,000 calories. We took control and changed our collective destinies by over 68,000 calories! That is a combined total of almost 20 pounds!! We were extremely tired by the end but also very proud of ourselves.
-- A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.
-- Margaret Mead
I must speak to another revelation I had during this event. As I get to know my fellow Square One folks, I am constantly brought face to face with the difficulties of weight loss. Most are unhappy with how quickly the pounds are coming off their bodies. They have low opinions of their appearance and are constantly thinking themselves weak because we all have moments of weakness as we succumb to temptation. None of this matches what I was seeing from them on Super Bowl Sunday.
What did I see? I saw athletes. I saw victorious people. I saw people who were leaps and bounds above where they started. Who works out for 3 1/2 hours straight (well, we did stop to watch Madonna, drink water, and have some healthy snacks)? Even people who showed up late simply knuckled down and worked out even harder so their contribution to our total would be significant. For all of you who read this blog, I want you to take a hard look in the mirror. Take a moment to forget the negative things you see. See the successful, hard working person who can do this amazing feat. All you see is the remaining weight and the crazy self image that truly no longer applies to you. For the most part, we started as weak, dying, unhealthy people suffocating in a mountain of fat and self loathing. Last Sunday, you all proved yourselves to be AMAZING, powerful people. There may still be fat on your body but there is clearly a strong, capable person inside those remaining pounds. Use that strength! Continue to work out and melt that remaining disguise off your body so the image matches the reality. And for God's sake, love yourself! Love what you have done! Love what you are becoming! Give you self a little slack so you can begin to believe in the new, healthy person fighting to get out. I could not have been more proud of myself and the beautiful, capable people I with whom I was burning this impressive amount of calories!
-- The "self-image" is the key to human personality and human behavior. Change the self image and you change the personality and the behavior.
-- Maxwell Maltz
This was not my only revelation this week. A common failing of people on this journey is that we fail to see a lot of the progress we are making until something brings it to light. I don't know why this is so surprising to me. On the way up the scale, I would often fail to see how my increased weight was affecting my life because it came on gradually. I would simply make allowances in my life for my heavier self and become "content" with the new restrictions on my life. So it only stands to reason that it would happen in reverse as I go back the other direction.
Today, I was reminded of how far I've come by a simple stock image taken off Google images. Marty was designing a pamphlet to show some of the struggles People of Size face in their struggle to start a health program. He pulled a picture off the Internet of a large man sitting on a park bench. As I saw the picture, I said to Marty "Look at how he is sitting. I know exactly what he is doing." Marty didn't know what I was talking about. It was then that I not only realized what my life was like, but also how I have changed in the past few months.
I explained to Marty that the man was sitting somewhat awkwardly on the bench for several reasons. First, he will not lean all the way back on the bench because he is fearful that his weight will break the back of the bench. It is a common worry for the extremely overweight person. It is humiliating to break furniture in your own home. It can make a person near suicidal if it happens in public. Second, he is somewhat perched on the bench because he is operating under the delusion, as I so often did, that if he feels the bench begin to give way or hears a loud crack, he will be able to quickly stand up so he doesn't fall to the ground with the bench. This is laughable because at our heaviest weights we take several seconds and a lot of groaning just to stand up. We aren't the most agile folks on the planet so it is laughable to think that we could react quickly to this event and "hop" up to avoid embarrassment. Lastly, he had positioned his arms and hands in a very familiar position. I recognized the position from my own history. You try to place your arms in a protective fashion around the belly as if to hide some of the embarrassing girth your have obtained. Again, another laughable concept. It would take one heck of an optical illusion to let your small arms hide your impressive belly. Deep down, you know it is illogical, but in the end, you must try.
It was crazy how quickly I got back into this mindset. I so easily placed myself in his position and understood the discomfort he had by just being in public. He had very few options though. He had to sit. If he was at all like me, it was too tiring or painful to stand for very long and his only recourse was to sit on the bench. In the end, it is another of those things you come to be accustomed to doing. So much so, that many of the thoughts and worries I describe are unconscious. But I do remember the fear. Anytime I was at a friend's house, a restaurant, or any public place, I was so careful sitting on furniture because I knew that I would be absolutely mortified if I damaged the furniture with my tremendous weight. The bigger you get, the worse the fear. It encourages the solitude of obesity. Why go out and be with people if there are so many opportunities for humiliation? Loneliness, worry and fear combine to accelerate our ever increasing feelings of self-loathing, depression and hopelessness.
-- Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.
-- Mother Teresa
I have said before that I wish I could impress upon others how much this journey can help them. It is so easy to not even try because all you see is how long it will take to reach your goal. It is a daunting task to set out to lose 50, 100, 150 or even 250-300 pounds (my eventual goal). But here's the thing.... There is so much benefit along the way if you are just honest enough with yourself to see it. Yes, I am not at my goal. I am not even close. But I can move. I can sit on furniture without fear of destroying it. I can work out for 3 1/2 hours and change my destiny. These are amazingly good feelings. You don't have to reach your goal to change the pattern of self loathing. You merely have to work to go in the right direction. In fact, if I were to break a couch, bench or chair tomorrow, I would not have the same level of embarrassment and humiliation that I experienced in the past. This is because I know I am working to change my life. It is easier to smooth over your own ruffled feathers if you know that you are working hard to make sure that these things don't happen ever again.
-- Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
-- Winston Churchill
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
#16 - May I never see them again
-- The remarkable thing is that it is the crowded life that is most easily remembered. A life full of turns, achievements, disappointments, surprises, and crises is a life full of landmarks. The empty life has even its few details blurred and cannot be remembered with certainty.
-- Eric Hoffer
I like this quote. When I was depressed and rotting in my apartment, the days blurred into the monotony of a day to day existence which was, in essence, a lazy acceptance of a slow march towards (to be quite frank about it) death. Once you put yourself out there and DO something, you open yourself up to success and disappointment. But either will serve as a landmark to the moments of your life. Landmarks come in many shapes and sizes. And sizes are exactly what made a new landmark for me.
I never know what moments will grab my attention along this journey. It can be as simple as "that food didn't temp me ... wow" or as complex as the emotions and exploration of my self worth and growth. I don't always realize these things at the time events are happening. Many times it is in the quiet moments of reflection at the end of a day.
I really recommend this reflection time to anyone on this journey. It allows you the opportunity to look over the successes of the day and review the difficulties. You must make sure to find both for yourself each day. Do not be so happy as to not acknowledge some of your problems and definitely do not be so negative as to only see the bad in a day. There is always some of each. I like to take mental stock of the positives and enjoy them, but the most benefit I find in this process is the opportunity to re-frame my defeats and/or difficulties in my mind. I have learned that every negative moment on this journey usually has a positive to find within the midst of it. The problem is that we just get so caught up in the "downer" side of things that we can't see the forest for the trees. It doesn't matter how bad my day went, I can usually find something positive or, at the very least, remind myself of why I am doing this. I can give myself renewed strength and resolution for the next day if I spend some time reminding myself of where I was, where I am, and where I want to be.
-- Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action.
-- Peter Drucker
Well, this brings me to the events of last Friday night. I was in bed thinking through my day when I was thunderstruck to realize that I had waltzed past a landmark moment without even realizing it. It is so easy to float past these moments without marking their significance. I am so I happy I didn't miss this one. It may be simple and plain, but for me it was meaningful and dramatic.
I was preparing to have a get together at my house for all my Square One pals. In doing so, I was straightening up a lot of the clutter in my life. I decided to organize my closet. I took out all the old clothes that are getting harder and harder to wear because they are ...... wait for it ..... too big!! This is quite literally the first time in my life that I cleaned out my closet to make room for SMALLER clothes! And I had done it without even thinking. All the size 58 pants, 9x shirts, and impressively large underpants are now being boxed up to be taken away. Make room for the 52 pants, 6x shirts and new undergarments. Still huge clothes, but a darn sight better than the old. AND, they are beginning to need replacement as well. Now, as I was about to drift off to sleep, it dawns on me that this was a momentous occasion and should be celebrated. So I sat up. Gave a little cheer (scared the cat to death). And then settled back to rest in the glow of this moment. Unfortunately, it is difficult to fall asleep with a little voice in your head going "woo hoo! .... yeeehaw! .... hot diggety dog!"
It is so easy to get caught up in the difficulties. I have spent many days worrying about the number on the scale or how many calories that I took in. I am just so happy to take these little "woo hoo" moments and use them to celebrate this journey while simultaneously giving me the motivation and courage to keep going. To draw from a previous post, let's all take a moment to enjoy the view of where we are. We are all successful merely for what we have already done, let alone for what we are doing. Measuring success by the chaotic movements of a scale is a ridiculous concept. Why would that matter? I know, I know ... It is a tangible, logical measure of our progress, but can't we also take in an understanding of how much better we feel and what more we can do? So much progress is made that has absolutely nothing to do with the scale. I'm not saying it is ok to pack on the pounds, but rather, I am pointing out that it isn't the end of the world if the scale isn't moving as you think it should. There are other important measures.
Keep it up folks. I am proof that it can happen. I may or may not be losing weight as fast as I would like, but my closet is cleaner and the Olivia Newton John shirts are going away. And that is pretty amazing to me.
-- Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Sunday, January 15, 2012
#15 - Meltdown
-- All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem.
-- Martin Luther King Jr.
I hit the wall today. No, I didn't fall off the wagon, but I had a form of mental and emotional breakdown.
To fill you in, this weekend is my family's JGW. For the men, this is the Just Guys Weekend which entails a trip to our family cabin in Colorado. No rules and plenty of burping, scratching, and other such things that mothers frown upon. For the ladies, it is Just Girls Weekend and I don't exactly know what they do. They stay in Omaha and I think manicures, Hobby Lobby, and other such things are involved. The JGW is something I look forward to. We have a great time and I jump at every chance to go to Colorado (especially if it is free). However, this is the first JGW I have attended while trying to eat healthy.
It started really early on. We left Omaha and made it as far as Lincoln before we stopped at Dairy Queen. You see ... this is the first stage in being "naughty". We get ice cream and then call Mommy and laugh when she yells at us for eating dessert before dinner. However, this time, I found out it wasn't quite as entertaining when my role was to sit and watch them eat their ice cream and watch Rich eat his chili dog.
Then came the rest of the car ride with stops at fast food restaurants and the smells of gas station snacks wafting through the car. So far, I was doing pretty well. It was an assault on the senses, but I was hanging in there. I had planned ahead for the fact that gas station food was not going to work. I purchased some protein bars, granola, and gum in preparation for this.
-- All men are tempted. There is no man that lives that can't be broken down, provided it is the right temptation, put in the right spot.
-- Henry Ward Beecher
Day 2 dawned bright and early with breakfast at the Egg and I where I had my "healthy" breakfast (I found out later that it had a bunch more calories than I thought) and watched them eat things with syrup, gravy, and/or loads of sausage. We managed to keep it pretty well in line the rest of the day, but then they ordered pizza for dinner. They kindly got me a Subway sandwich for my dinner. Again, I felt like I weathered this one pretty well too. But it was more difficult. Pizza is probably my greatest weakness and just the smell of what they were eating was about too much for me. But, I focused on my sandwich. Wolfed it down. Then left the table.
Day 3 - new breakfast restaurant. Classic greasy spoon with wonderful egg dishes and things .... mostly cooked with butter or grease. I stayed strong with two eggs, a small (4 oz) sirloin steak and dry wheat toast. But once again, I am seeing/smelling foods so sinful I won't mention them here for the benefit of my fellow addicts.
--Every moment of resistance to temptation is a victory.
-- Frederick William Faber
It is clear to me at this point, that the "victories" I was celebrating from all of these good choices were also slight chips in my resolve. Yes, I was making it through each meal with a healthy choice, but I was also taking a blow to my will power each and every time.
By the time I left that breakfast on the 3rd day, I was beginning to get cranky. If you had asked me at the time, I probably couldn't have expressed in words what was making me so cranky. I think I was slowly reaching my boiling point and at the time, I didn't know why.
We went into the park and did some sight seeing and then on the way back to the cabin, we stopped at a gas station ostensibly to get Ben some gum and Rich a fountain soda. Unfortunately, this gas station had an A&W in it. Ok, remember ... will power is low. I get back in the car and behind me are two boys sipping on root beer floats, my father is in the front with another one. Then my nose is assaulted by the chicken nuggets and fries that my nephew (sitting next to me) has obtained. Finally, my brother-in-law lands in the seat directly in front of me with a chili dog and fries.
I slammed my hand across my face so I could only smell the fabric of my gloves and asked them to get me home soon. And .... my dear friends ... I had a meltdown. I couldn't deal with it. I barely waited for the car to stop moving in the driveway and I bolted from the car into my room for a breath of air that was clear of the taint of greasy food. I had myself a good cry and spent a lot of time simply alone with my thoughts.
Fortunately, I didn't resort to food. In fact, they kept trying to talk me into going to Subway or someplace healthy. I had more power bars and granola at the cabin as well. But I knew that this battle couldn't be won by eating. I don't know if I am being clear, but somewhere inside, I knew that I shouldn't give into the idea that their eating should trigger my eating (whether I make a healthy decision or not).
-- On the other hand, I believe there's hope, because the breakdown and the repair are happening simultaneously.
-- Kathryn Bigelow
Knowing that I had a difficult time with what they had done, my family tried to make amends. In a way, it was very sweet. They ate their food outside and took the garbage to the garage trash cans so no odor would be in the cabin. They called home to my sister to get an idea of what they could make for dinner that was healthy. So we had a healthy meal of chicken, green beans, and salad. They had good intentions but in the end it backfired. I had such a light breakfast an no lunch to speak of (due to the meltdown) that I was chock full of possibilities for a dinner meal and had come to the idea that I could enjoy a slightly naughty meal at whatever restaurant we went to that night. Oh well, it is better for me health-wise to eat the meal they prepared for me. I guess it will be a desert of protein bars and granola to make up the difference.
At this point, I must apologize to all my food addict friends. I have mentioned a lot of things in this post that will do nothing to help your journey. And this is what my family really doesn't truly understand. The healthy meal was a sweet gesture, but the damage had already been done. As a food addict, the seeing of the food. The smelling of the food. These are the triggers that have affected my brain. Even as I type this at 12:16 at night, I am still craving the crap that I have been witnessing all weekend. The thought that there is leftover pizza in the fridge right now is causing me to want to break my legs so I don't go in there to get some. And my family thought that keeping the smell outside would make a difference. It doesn't. It is still swirling around my sinuses and in my brain.
I guess the best way to describe it is that I am now the proud owner of several cravings. Those cravings will haunt my waking hours until one of two things happen. First option, I could give into the craving. This is something that the modern Kevin won't do (I hope) because the giving into one craving can lead to two and then back to 550lbs. Second option, I have to fight this craving with all my might until such time that it fades away to nothing again. Who knows how long it will take and how hard it will be.
Let's be honest, I probably have to come to terms with the idea that this could go on for the rest of my life. It happens everyday. Driving down the street and you see a fast food sign or advertisement and that will trigger a craving. A sight, a sound, a smell, even a sensation (i.e. early summer evening = 4th of July food) can trigger them. If I am going to make it, I have to be able to fight it. In general, they come at me too infrequently to be a problem. It just got the better of me this weekend.
So, as I go off to sleep, I have to try and mentally rebuild my walls so I can survive the car ride home and whatever joyous assaults I will face on the way. Let me add here that I do not blame or begrudge my family their choices. God help me, I would eat the same way if I could. I don't hate them at all. I hate the food. I hate the craving. I hate my weaknesses.
In the final analysis, I made it through with my diet intact. I suppose that is a victory, but it sure doesn't feel like one at this point. Maybe things will look differently in a week or two. I hope I didn't tempt anyone two much with all the food talk, but it is a part of my journey and something I need to record and work on.
-- After all, tomorrow is another day.
-- Margaret Mitchell (Gone With The Wind)
Thanks for reading!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
#14 - Good Vibrations
-- From small beginnings come great things.
-- Proverb
Let the fun begin. Marty has opened his new health club to the public and the people are starting to join up for this exciting journey. I am so excited to be a part of this project to help myself and to help other people. We are throwing pebbles into the community pond and I can't wait to see what effect our ripples will have!
-- Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect.
-- Rob Reiner
As a part of this effort, we have had an opportunity to talk with some new people about their struggles with weight and their own limitations. It has brought my mind back to the way I used to be. To help them make their decision to join the gym, I have told them of where I began and where I am now. It gave me the opportunity to really reflect on these changes. If you have read this blog from beginning to end, you know many of these things, but it is just amazing how I've gone from someone who was depressed, immobile, and sprinting headlong over a cliff of poor health to a person who is happy, uplifted, active, and beginning to spread his wings and really soar. I get pretty emotional when I think about it. I can't wait to see what is around the next turn of this journey.
My friend Amanda has a blog herself. I won't "out" her on this posting. I hope she shares her story because she is a fabulous writer who has a lot to offer with her own struggles. Anyway, I posted something on her page and she told me I should put it here. It is a typical Kevin story (long-winded and full of analogy), but it may help others.
I posted on her site in reaction to her statement that she was having a rough time thinking of how long her journey was. It is a common problem for People of Size. We all want desperately to quickly have the skinny body we all think will solve every one of our problems. I think this is a big part of our journey is to come to terms with our own mental issues along the way because being thin will not actually solve these problems. Sooner or later, we have to come to term with our "demons" whether we are fat or thin.
Oops, went on a tangent. So I told Amanda the following story in hopes of helping lift her spirits about her journey.
Kevin said...
I totally get it. You will go nuts looking at how long the road ahead of you is. Take it from someone who is MILES away from their goal, we CAN do it.
A short anecdote if I may ...
As a young boy, my Dad and I did a lot of hiking and climbing of mountains in Colorado. I was active in the boy scouts and we were constantly challenging ourselves to bigger and better accomplishments.
One of the many accomplishments I had as a boy scout was that I climbed Mount Harvard in Colorado. It is a fourteener. This means it is over 14,000 ft above sea level. Not only that, it is the fourth tallest mountain in America (outside of Alaska ... they got really big hills up there). As I was climbing that mountain, I was EXHAUSTED. It is hard to breathe at that altitude and you really have to persevere just to make it. I learned quickly that if I looked towards the summit, I would become disheartened and want to stop. Not only that, but there is a phenomenon called "false peaks". You could think you have made it to your goal, go over the ridge and see a whole bunch of mountain still ahead of you. How disheartening! I learned that to make it, I had to do two things.
First, I focused on my feet and the path before me. One foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward. Breathe. If you just keep it going like a machine, you can churn through some miles in a hurry.
Second, pause to look around you. Take in the scenery. Above timberline has some of the most incredible views you will ever see in life! Soak it in. Be renewed by the beauty all around you.
So let's apply this to our journey!
Focus on your feet! Focus on those things you can control. Journal. Exercise. Be active. All those little steps will churn through the miles. Work that machine!
Enjoy the scenery! Soak it in! You ARE healthier. You ARE improving. Do not be discouraged that you aren't on top of that mountain! The view from this location is also spectacular. You are no longer way down there at the bottom where the trees block your view. You are here. It is beautiful (as are you). Be invigorated by the accomplishment you have already made. It will push you to the end of your journey.
Keep your chin up baby! I'm rooting for you!
It is good advice for all of us. Focus on the now. If we spend too much time looking towards the future or how far we have to go, it can discourage us from doing what we so desperately need to do.
Well, I'm exhausted from all this schmoozing with the Square One folks. It has been a long 2 months and I am so excited to see what dividends can be reaped from this work. We kept our eyes on our feet and now I am enjoying the view.
-- Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
-- St. Francis of Assisi
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Entry #13 - New Beginnings
-- If we shadows have offended, think but this; and all is mended ....
-- A Midsummer's Night Dream
First, I apologize to all who have been anxiously awaiting my latest post. Tardiness is not necessarily procrastination. As this post will describe, I have been very busy lately. As I hope you will see, it has been a labor of love. However, the projects of the past month and a half are beginning to wrap up and I should be able to make a habit of posting more frequently. I also apologize for the length of this post. As I have been away for awhile, I am filled with too much to tell.
-- Chaos is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence.
I believe we left off with Thanksgiving. For a few weeks before Thanksgiving and ever since, my time has been monopolized with assisting my trainer and friend, Marty, with the creation of a grand experiment. Marty has been taking this plan from the barest hint of an idea or dream and turning it into reality. I have been fortunate enough to help him in this task.
-- Dreams are extremely important. You can't do it unless you imagine it.
-- George Lucas
Marty is creating a health club specifically designed to help what he has termed "People of Size." Does this mean "fat people"? Not necessarily. People of Size are people who have (or have had) well over 40-50 pounds to lose. People who were once big and have lost a lot of weight can still be named People of Size because they still have the same struggles they had before they lost the weight. They deal with food addiction as well as mental and emotional issues related to having been overweight. They will equally benefit from a place of health and weight management. This place is called Square One.
What a noble project! Obesity is arguably one of the biggest problems facing the country today and it is clear that people need help to change their circumstances. Square One aims to bring help to those who need and want it. If you have been reading this blog, you can find many examples of the benefits of the Square One program. Health, wellness, exercise and nutrition are merely the smallest parts of this program. Understanding, caring, support and friendship are the largest parts. Square One isn't a solo mission gym where you go, put your ear buds in, sweat to the tunes, and then go home. It is a community of people who understand the difficulties, struggles and temptations of a person fighting for better health.
It is also a tremendous risk. It is a health club designed to target people who, left to their own devices, will allow inertia to keep them at home on the couch doing nothing instead of getting up and taking those first few steps into a happier, more hopeful world. I have said it before in this blog and I will probably say it again, but I wish I could make people understand the dramatic difference in life. If they could feel the difference between Kevin of March 2011 and Kevin of December 2011, they would come running (well, maybe walking) to the health club. How do you convince someone who has given up that hope is possible? How can you make them understand that a long and arduous journey, with the right people and plenty of encouragement, can be a fantastically fun and rewarding one?
Well, I will hop off this soap box right after I let all my friends, family, and anyone else who has found this blog know that there is hope. Go to www.square1club.com for information. Come to the health club to see it for yourself. That first step is always the hardest, but I cannot stress it enough .... it IS worth all that effort and more! The benefits are too valuable.
-- God sells us all things at the price of labor.
-- Leonardo da Vinci
So, it has been a month and a half of painting, shopping, sanding, building, organizing, lifting, wiring, and whatever else was needed. I would like to say that I am a handyman extraordinaire who whipped through these tasks with ease. I must admit that I struggle to hammer a nail into a board straight without losing a thumb, two fingers and sometimes a toe. Marty had the expertise and I had a talent for handing him the right tool when he asked for it, clean up the mess when a certain project was finished, or remember where we put those darn tape measures (usually wherever the last project was). It was a good thing that Marty's history was in building sets for high school theater rather than working with a construction crew. I compare very poorly against a fine craftsman, but I am pretty sure I can be of more use than teeny boppers trying to look good in front of their friends (maybe). It was a lot of fun to see how these projects went from idea to reality. I learned a lot and enjoyed nearly every minute of it.
I discovered both joy and pain in the condition of my body during this time. On one end, working for hours on end was a previously impossible task for me. I could barely sit for hours a day in my old condition. On the other end, I am still a heavy person who found that standing for large portions of the day caused great pain in my back, legs and feet. I struggled to continue to be of use. I was shamed every time I had to disengage so I could sit down for awhile. I wanted to be the superman who could help with everything all day, every day. Reality, however, assured me that I have limitations and ignoring them would be paid for with pain and suffering. Ok. So that is a little melodramatic. But I really did have some days in which I paid dearly for overworking myself.
We were also assisted by several of my bootcamp friends. This made many tasks a lot more entertaining. We could chat and joke around while we kept things moving forward towards completion. The largest topic of conversation among these ladies was Bootcamp Prom. Yes, you heard me correctly .... Prom. I have to make a confession here. I thought that having a prom for adults was a ridiculous idea. I had been to several proms in my past and didn't see the need to attend another. However, it was important to these friends of mine so I worked diligently to help get the health club ready for a early December prom. It was close, but we made it. Even though I was fighting exhaustion all evening, I had a fabulous time at the prom and have to admit that I am glad I attended.
-- I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
-- Bob Hope
The past month and a half wasn't all peaches and cream. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I hit a plateau. That continued for several weeks and I was getting really frustrated. Eventually, the long days working on Square One payed off with more weight lost. I am sure to have these plateaus in the future as well and I do not look forward to them. They beat you up emotionally. Here you are working hard to move quickly towards your goals and suddenly the scale stops moving. It feels like all the work is for nothing. You want to cry in frustration at the seeming hopelessness of it all.
-- Chaos is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence.
-- Buddha
Plateaus can really shake your faith that you can make it to your destination. Imagine you are walking from Omaha to Denver when all of a sudden, you are walking on a treadmill for several days. Now, sometimes you are on that treadmill because you forgot to stay on the path. Other times, you simply need to walk faster to get past the treadmill and back onto normal ground. Either way, you are annoyed at the time wasted. It is important to note, however, that if you managed to stay on track, at least you didn't head back east for a time.
This brings us to Christmas. Christmas was a challenging idea. Our family Christmas is full of opportunities for misbehavior. Tradition holds that Christmas Eve will be a time for a fatty, caloric meal and the frosting/eating of Christmas Cookies. This year, I managed to evade the cookies by spending that time cooking a healthy alternative for my Christmas morning. I managed to make it through our dinner by sticking with salad and the leaner parts of the meal. Christmas morning normally has another high calorie meal of egg casserole and cinnamon rolls. Ok, let's be honest, there is no healthy alternative for cinnamon rolls. So, I just put those out of my mind. For the egg casserole, I substituted a healthy quiche recipe that Marty shared with me (thanks Amanda for posting it, I needed it to remind me of the process). It allowed me to eat one sixth of a brownie pan for less than 250 calories. What a great substitute! It is loaded with lean protein (egg whites), flavor (green/red/orange peppers, mushrooms, turkey sausage, etc), and in such a large portion size, it seems a feast. Santa substituted protein bars, sugarless gum, and Muscle Milk for the normal stocking stuffers of candy.
It felt good to make some healthy changes. What is more exciting is that I really didn't miss the old ways. Ok, ok, I must be honest. I did have one Christmas cookie and I did manage to sneak some of the "leaded" egg casserole (I like mine better, sorry mom). I started to beat myself up for those mistakes. However, while I acknowledge my guilt and weakness so I can work on it, I also forgive myself those errors because even with them, this was by far the healthiest Christmas I've had in years.
-- We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
-- author unknown
I think I will just touch on New Year's and then call this a finished post. It feels like I am leaving a lot out of my story for these past few weeks, but it is the price I pay for not keeping current. I forget things. Not only that, the past few weeks have been pretty repetitive (sleep, work on Square One, then back to sleep). I have enjoyed it but it doesn't creating riveting drama. :)
The night before New Year's Eve, as I lay in bed, I began to cry. Now, don't feel sorry for me because it is what I would call a "good cry". I have absolutely no idea what sent my mind down this thought process, but I had begun to realize the difference between this New Year and the ones before. For close to 14 years, I have dreaded the New Year's Eve party. I felt no reason to celebrate. I wasn't going to kiss anyone at midnight (still didn't this year, but one thing at a time okay?). I wasn't looking forward to any grand prospects for my future. I was more in a mindset that each year was going to be worse than the previous one. And based off many of these years, I couldn't wrap my mind around how it was going to get worse than what I already experienced.
The last two were particularly bad. Two years ago, I attempted to go to Colorado with two friends of mine. We hit a patch of ice and rolled my car. Everyone was fine, but my New Year was colored with a sadness for having had an accident that could have killed my friends, the fact that I didn't have a car and had to "borrow" one from dad, and my normal depression at looking down the barrel of another year ... alone ... getting fatter ... getting closer to death. Sound depressing? It was. And every year got worse. Last year, I was neck deep in my depression about having no job, no life, no relationship, no mobility, and was feeling closer to death than ever. It was the worst New Year's reflection of my life (and hopefully always will be).
So in my bed on the eve of New Year's eve, I found myself crying because I had realized that this was the first year in over a decade that I was looking forward to the next year. I knew I had looked forward to new years in the past, but it had been so long that I hardly remembered what it felt like. I don't mean to imply that all my past friends and their New Year's celebrations weren't fun. I did have a good time. I was just a good deal more depressed than I let on. Now, I have things to look forward to. I am thinner than I was last New Year's (another radical first). I have more energy, health and have added a great group of friends to my already wonderful gang. I can see a chance that this next year will be a darn site better than the last. What a fantastic possibility!
At this point, it behooves me to thank some of those who have made it possible. I won't stick to my normal litany from previous posts. We all know the Wolffs and my family are wonderful. I need to thank my bootcamp buddies. Your friendship, support, example, and inspiration are a large part of the reason why this new year affords so much possibility. I might have said something about it at the party, but I don't think I could have done it without getting choked up.
I know that a large number of you still think of yourselves as having troubles or failures in your journey this last year. It isn't fair. You shouldn't be able to think that. I have seen the 2010 pictures and I have seen the beautiful chicks I now know. What amazing progress! I know it is next to impossible, but can you imagine how much better we would all feel if we could get as much charge out of our successes as we seem to be drained by our failures? Think about that! If we gave ourselves as much credit for the things we do right as we beat ourselves up for our failures, we would be taken to the loony bin for walking around with stupid grins on our faces all the time!
So here is my New Year's toast to all my family and friends: May we all remember to count our blessings and forget to list our problems. May we all revel in our successes and forgive our failures. May we learn from our defeats so we may turn them into victories. And lastly, may we identify our weaknesses so we may be made stronger by knowing them. In the end, we can overcome anything! I love you all!
-- Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Happy New Year!
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