#17 - Super Bowl and other dramatic changes.

-- People who work together will win, whether it be against complex football defenses, or the problems of modern society.

-- Vince Lombardi

Hello sports fans! Welcome to a new world in sports enjoyment!

That crazy Marty. He read that the Super Bowl is America's second largest consumption day of the year. Amazingly, the average American consumes around 3000 calories during the Super Bowl. Let me clarify.... That isn't 3000 calories on Super Bowl Sunday. That is 3000 calories in the 3 1/2 hours that the game plays! What's worse, that 3000 calories is comprised of fatty foods, high sodium foods and alcohol. So, he decided it would be a good idea to change things around.

A group of Square One Clients, Marty and his wife Amy joined together to try and do our part to re-write the statistics on the Super Bowl experience. Instead of eating and boozing our way through the game, we spent the entire run of the game on cardio equipment and other exercise activities (push ups, sit ups, step ups, etc). If we look at the average per person calorie total of 3000, we can show that by exercising for 3 1/2 hours we avoided the intake of 45,000 calories. But the swing is even larger! We burned over 23,000 calories. We took control and changed our collective destinies by over 68,000 calories! That is a combined total of almost 20 pounds!! We were extremely tired by the end but also very proud of ourselves.

-- A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.

-- Margaret Mead

I must speak to another revelation I had during this event. As I get to know my fellow Square One folks, I am constantly brought face to face with the difficulties of weight loss. Most are unhappy with how quickly the pounds are coming off their bodies. They have low opinions of their appearance and are constantly thinking themselves weak because we all have moments of weakness as we succumb to temptation. None of this matches what I was seeing from them on Super Bowl Sunday.

What did I see? I saw athletes. I saw victorious people. I saw people who were leaps and bounds above where they started. Who works out for 3 1/2 hours straight (well, we did stop to watch Madonna, drink water, and have some healthy snacks)? Even people who showed up late simply knuckled down and worked out even harder so their contribution to our total would be significant. For all of you who read this blog, I want you to take a hard look in the mirror. Take a moment to forget the negative things you see. See the successful, hard working person who can do this amazing feat. All you see is the remaining weight and the crazy self image that truly no longer applies to you. For the most part, we started as weak, dying, unhealthy people suffocating in a mountain of fat and self loathing. Last Sunday, you all proved yourselves to be AMAZING, powerful people. There may still be fat on your body but there is clearly a strong, capable person inside those remaining pounds. Use that strength! Continue to work out and melt that remaining disguise off your body so the image matches the reality. And for God's sake, love yourself! Love what you have done! Love what you are becoming! Give you self a little slack so you can begin to believe in the new, healthy person fighting to get out. I could not have been more proud of myself and the beautiful, capable people I with whom I was burning this impressive amount of calories!

-- The "self-image" is the key to human personality and human behavior. Change the self image and you change the personality and the behavior.

-- Maxwell Maltz

This was not my only revelation this week. A common failing of people on this journey is that we fail to see a lot of the progress we are making until something brings it to light. I don't know why this is so surprising to me. On the way up the scale, I would often fail to see how my increased weight was affecting my life because it came on gradually. I would simply make allowances in my life for my heavier self and become "content" with the new restrictions on my life. So it only stands to reason that it would happen in reverse as I go back the other direction.

Today, I was reminded of how far I've come by a simple stock image taken off Google images. Marty was designing a pamphlet to show some of the struggles People of Size face in their struggle to start a health program. He pulled a picture off the Internet of a large man sitting on a park bench. As I saw the picture, I said to Marty "Look at how he is sitting. I know exactly what he is doing." Marty didn't know what I was talking about. It was then that I not only realized what my life was like, but also how I have changed in the past few months.

I explained to Marty that the man was sitting somewhat awkwardly on the bench for several reasons. First, he will not lean all the way back on the bench because he is fearful that his weight will break the back of the bench. It is a common worry for the extremely overweight person. It is humiliating to break furniture in your own home. It can make a person near suicidal if it happens in public. Second, he is somewhat perched on the bench because he is operating under the delusion, as I so often did, that if he feels the bench begin to give way or hears a loud crack, he will be able to quickly stand up so he doesn't fall to the ground with the bench. This is laughable because at our heaviest weights we take several seconds and a lot of groaning just to stand up. We aren't the most agile folks on the planet so it is laughable to think that we could react quickly to this event and "hop" up to avoid embarrassment. Lastly, he had positioned his arms and hands in a very familiar position. I recognized the position from my own history. You try to place your arms in a protective fashion around the belly as if to hide some of the embarrassing girth your have obtained. Again, another laughable concept. It would take one heck of an optical illusion to let your small arms hide your impressive belly. Deep down, you know it is illogical, but in the end, you must try.

It was crazy how quickly I got back into this mindset. I so easily placed myself in his position and understood the discomfort he had by just being in public. He had very few options though. He had to sit. If he was at all like me, it was too tiring or painful to stand for very long and his only recourse was to sit on the bench. In the end, it is another of those things you come to be accustomed to doing. So much so, that many of the thoughts and worries I describe are unconscious. But I do remember the fear. Anytime I was at a friend's house, a restaurant, or any public place, I was so careful sitting on furniture because I knew that I would be absolutely mortified if I damaged the furniture with my tremendous weight. The bigger you get, the worse the fear. It encourages the solitude of obesity. Why go out and be with people if there are so many opportunities for humiliation? Loneliness, worry and fear combine to accelerate our ever increasing feelings of self-loathing, depression and hopelessness.

-- Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.

-- Mother Teresa

I have said before that I wish I could impress upon others how much this journey can help them. It is so easy to not even try because all you see is how long it will take to reach your goal. It is a daunting task to set out to lose 50, 100, 150 or even 250-300 pounds (my eventual goal). But here's the thing.... There is so much benefit along the way if you are just honest enough with yourself to see it. Yes, I am not at my goal. I am not even close. But I can move. I can sit on furniture without fear of destroying it. I can work out for 3 1/2 hours and change my destiny. These are amazingly good feelings. You don't have to reach your goal to change the pattern of self loathing. You merely have to work to go in the right direction. In fact, if I were to break a couch, bench or chair tomorrow, I would not have the same level of embarrassment and humiliation that I experienced in the past. This is because I know I am working to change my life. It is easier to smooth over your own ruffled feathers if you know that you are working hard to make sure that these things don't happen ever again.

-- Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

-- Winston Churchill

#16 - May I never see them again

-- The remarkable thing is that it is the crowded life that is most easily remembered. A life full of turns, achievements, disappointments, surprises, and crises is a life full of landmarks. The empty life has even its few details blurred and cannot be remembered with certainty.

-- Eric Hoffer

I like this quote. When I was depressed and rotting in my apartment, the days blurred into the monotony of a day to day existence which was, in essence, a lazy acceptance of a slow march towards (to be quite frank about it) death. Once you put yourself out there and DO something, you open yourself up to success and disappointment. But either will serve as a landmark to the moments of your life. Landmarks come in many shapes and sizes. And sizes are exactly what made a new landmark for me.

I never know what moments will grab my attention along this journey. It can be as simple as "that food didn't temp me ... wow" or as complex as the emotions and exploration of my self worth and growth. I don't always realize these things at the time events are happening. Many times it is in the quiet moments of reflection at the end of a day.

I really recommend this reflection time to anyone on this journey. It allows you the opportunity to look over the successes of the day and review the difficulties. You must make sure to find both for yourself each day. Do not be so happy as to not acknowledge some of your problems and definitely do not be so negative as to only see the bad in a day. There is always some of each. I like to take mental stock of the positives and enjoy them, but the most benefit I find in this process is the opportunity to re-frame my defeats and/or difficulties in my mind. I have learned that every negative moment on this journey usually has a positive to find within the midst of it. The problem is that we just get so caught up in the "downer" side of things that we can't see the forest for the trees. It doesn't matter how bad my day went, I can usually find something positive or, at the very least, remind myself of why I am doing this. I can give myself renewed strength and resolution for the next day if I spend some time reminding myself of where I was, where I am, and where I want to be.

-- Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action.

-- Peter Drucker

Well, this brings me to the events of last Friday night. I was in bed thinking through my day when I was thunderstruck to realize that I had waltzed past a landmark moment without even realizing it. It is so easy to float past these moments without marking their significance. I am so I happy I didn't miss this one. It may be simple and plain, but for me it was meaningful and dramatic.

I was preparing to have a get together at my house for all my Square One pals. In doing so, I was straightening up a lot of the clutter in my life. I decided to organize my closet. I took out all the old clothes that are getting harder and harder to wear because they are ...... wait for it ..... too big!! This is quite literally the first time in my life that I cleaned out my closet to make room for SMALLER clothes! And I had done it without even thinking. All the size 58 pants, 9x shirts, and impressively large underpants are now being boxed up to be taken away. Make room for the 52 pants, 6x shirts and new undergarments. Still huge clothes, but a darn sight better than the old. AND, they are beginning to need replacement as well. Now, as I was about to drift off to sleep, it dawns on me that this was a momentous occasion and should be celebrated. So I sat up. Gave a little cheer (scared the cat to death). And then settled back to rest in the glow of this moment. Unfortunately, it is difficult to fall asleep with a little voice in your head going "woo hoo! .... yeeehaw! .... hot diggety dog!"

It is so easy to get caught up in the difficulties. I have spent many days worrying about the number on the scale or how many calories that I took in. I am just so happy to take these little "woo hoo" moments and use them to celebrate this journey while simultaneously giving me the motivation and courage to keep going. To draw from a previous post, let's all take a moment to enjoy the view of where we are. We are all successful merely for what we have already done, let alone for what we are doing. Measuring success by the chaotic movements of a scale is a ridiculous concept. Why would that matter? I know, I know ... It is a tangible, logical measure of our progress, but can't we also take in an understanding of how much better we feel and what more we can do? So much progress is made that has absolutely nothing to do with the scale. I'm not saying it is ok to pack on the pounds, but rather, I am pointing out that it isn't the end of the world if the scale isn't moving as you think it should. There are other important measures.

Keep it up folks. I am proof that it can happen. I may or may not be losing weight as fast as I would like, but my closet is cleaner and the Olivia Newton John shirts are going away. And that is pretty amazing to me.

-- Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.

-- Abraham Lincoln

#15 - Meltdown

-- All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem.

-- Martin Luther King Jr.

Well, I have put up enough happy-go-lucky posts. Perhaps it is time to portray the seedier side of things.

I hit the wall today. No, I didn't fall off the wagon, but I had a form of mental and emotional breakdown.

To fill you in, this weekend is my family's JGW. For the men, this is the Just Guys Weekend which entails a trip to our family cabin in Colorado. No rules and plenty of burping, scratching, and other such things that mothers frown upon. For the ladies, it is Just Girls Weekend and I don't exactly know what they do. They stay in Omaha and I think manicures, Hobby Lobby, and other such things are involved. The JGW is something I look forward to. We have a great time and I jump at every chance to go to Colorado (especially if it is free). However, this is the first JGW I have attended while trying to eat healthy.

It started really early on. We left Omaha and made it as far as Lincoln before we stopped at Dairy Queen. You see ... this is the first stage in being "naughty". We get ice cream and then call Mommy and laugh when she yells at us for eating dessert before dinner. However, this time, I found out it wasn't quite as entertaining when my role was to sit and watch them eat their ice cream and watch Rich eat his chili dog.

Then came the rest of the car ride with stops at fast food restaurants and the smells of gas station snacks wafting through the car. So far, I was doing pretty well. It was an assault on the senses, but I was hanging in there. I had planned ahead for the fact that gas station food was not going to work. I purchased some protein bars, granola, and gum in preparation for this.

-- All men are tempted. There is no man that lives that can't be broken down, provided it is the right temptation, put in the right spot.

-- Henry Ward Beecher

Day 2 dawned bright and early with breakfast at the Egg and I where I had my "healthy" breakfast (I found out later that it had a bunch more calories than I thought) and watched them eat things with syrup, gravy, and/or loads of sausage. We managed to keep it pretty well in line the rest of the day, but then they ordered pizza for dinner. They kindly got me a Subway sandwich for my dinner. Again, I felt like I weathered this one pretty well too. But it was more difficult. Pizza is probably my greatest weakness and just the smell of what they were eating was about too much for me. But, I focused on my sandwich. Wolfed it down. Then left the table.

Day 3 - new breakfast restaurant. Classic greasy spoon with wonderful egg dishes and things .... mostly cooked with butter or grease. I stayed strong with two eggs, a small (4 oz) sirloin steak and dry wheat toast. But once again, I am seeing/smelling foods so sinful I won't mention them here for the benefit of my fellow addicts.

--Every moment of resistance to temptation is a victory.

-- Frederick William Faber

It is clear to me at this point, that the "victories" I was celebrating from all of these good choices were also slight chips in my resolve. Yes, I was making it through each meal with a healthy choice, but I was also taking a blow to my will power each and every time.

By the time I left that breakfast on the 3rd day, I was beginning to get cranky. If you had asked me at the time, I probably couldn't have expressed in words what was making me so cranky. I think I was slowly reaching my boiling point and at the time, I didn't know why.

We went into the park and did some sight seeing and then on the way back to the cabin, we stopped at a gas station ostensibly to get Ben some gum and Rich a fountain soda. Unfortunately, this gas station had an A&W in it. Ok, remember ... will power is low. I get back in the car and behind me are two boys sipping on root beer floats, my father is in the front with another one. Then my nose is assaulted by the chicken nuggets and fries that my nephew (sitting next to me) has obtained. Finally, my brother-in-law lands in the seat directly in front of me with a chili dog and fries.

I slammed my hand across my face so I could only smell the fabric of my gloves and asked them to get me home soon. And .... my dear friends ... I had a meltdown. I couldn't deal with it. I barely waited for the car to stop moving in the driveway and I bolted from the car into my room for a breath of air that was clear of the taint of greasy food. I had myself a good cry and spent a lot of time simply alone with my thoughts.

Fortunately, I didn't resort to food. In fact, they kept trying to talk me into going to Subway or someplace healthy. I had more power bars and granola at the cabin as well. But I knew that this battle couldn't be won by eating. I don't know if I am being clear, but somewhere inside, I knew that I shouldn't give into the idea that their eating should trigger my eating (whether I make a healthy decision or not).

-- On the other hand, I believe there's hope, because the breakdown and the repair are happening simultaneously.

-- Kathryn Bigelow

Knowing that I had a difficult time with what they had done, my family tried to make amends. In a way, it was very sweet. They ate their food outside and took the garbage to the garage trash cans so no odor would be in the cabin. They called home to my sister to get an idea of what they could make for dinner that was healthy. So we had a healthy meal of chicken, green beans, and salad. They had good intentions but in the end it backfired. I had such a light breakfast an no lunch to speak of (due to the meltdown) that I was chock full of possibilities for a dinner meal and had come to the idea that I could enjoy a slightly naughty meal at whatever restaurant we went to that night. Oh well, it is better for me health-wise to eat the meal they prepared for me. I guess it will be a desert of protein bars and granola to make up the difference.

At this point, I must apologize to all my food addict friends. I have mentioned a lot of things in this post that will do nothing to help your journey. And this is what my family really doesn't truly understand. The healthy meal was a sweet gesture, but the damage had already been done. As a food addict, the seeing of the food. The smelling of the food. These are the triggers that have affected my brain. Even as I type this at 12:16 at night, I am still craving the crap that I have been witnessing all weekend. The thought that there is leftover pizza in the fridge right now is causing me to want to break my legs so I don't go in there to get some. And my family thought that keeping the smell outside would make a difference. It doesn't. It is still swirling around my sinuses and in my brain.

I guess the best way to describe it is that I am now the proud owner of several cravings. Those cravings will haunt my waking hours until one of two things happen. First option, I could give into the craving. This is something that the modern Kevin won't do (I hope) because the giving into one craving can lead to two and then back to 550lbs. Second option, I have to fight this craving with all my might until such time that it fades away to nothing again. Who knows how long it will take and how hard it will be.

Let's be honest, I probably have to come to terms with the idea that this could go on for the rest of my life. It happens everyday. Driving down the street and you see a fast food sign or advertisement and that will trigger a craving. A sight, a sound, a smell, even a sensation (i.e. early summer evening = 4th of July food) can trigger them. If I am going to make it, I have to be able to fight it. In general, they come at me too infrequently to be a problem. It just got the better of me this weekend.

So, as I go off to sleep, I have to try and mentally rebuild my walls so I can survive the car ride home and whatever joyous assaults I will face on the way. Let me add here that I do not blame or begrudge my family their choices. God help me, I would eat the same way if I could. I don't hate them at all. I hate the food. I hate the craving. I hate my weaknesses.

In the final analysis, I made it through with my diet intact. I suppose that is a victory, but it sure doesn't feel like one at this point. Maybe things will look differently in a week or two. I hope I didn't tempt anyone two much with all the food talk, but it is a part of my journey and something I need to record and work on.

-- After all, tomorrow is another day.

-- Margaret Mitchell (Gone With The Wind)

Thanks for reading!

#14 - Good Vibrations

-- From small beginnings come great things.

-- Proverb

Let the fun begin. Marty has opened his new health club to the public and the people are starting to join up for this exciting journey. I am so excited to be a part of this project to help myself and to help other people. We are throwing pebbles into the community pond and I can't wait to see what effect our ripples will have!

-- Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect.

-- Rob Reiner

As a part of this effort, we have had an opportunity to talk with some new people about their struggles with weight and their own limitations. It has brought my mind back to the way I used to be. To help them make their decision to join the gym, I have told them of where I began and where I am now. It gave me the opportunity to really reflect on these changes. If you have read this blog from beginning to end, you know many of these things, but it is just amazing how I've gone from someone who was depressed, immobile, and sprinting headlong over a cliff of poor health to a person who is happy, uplifted, active, and beginning to spread his wings and really soar. I get pretty emotional when I think about it. I can't wait to see what is around the next turn of this journey.

My friend Amanda has a blog herself. I won't "out" her on this posting. I hope she shares her story because she is a fabulous writer who has a lot to offer with her own struggles. Anyway, I posted something on her page and she told me I should put it here. It is a typical Kevin story (long-winded and full of analogy), but it may help others.

I posted on her site in reaction to her statement that she was having a rough time thinking of how long her journey was. It is a common problem for People of Size. We all want desperately to quickly have the skinny body we all think will solve every one of our problems. I think this is a big part of our journey is to come to terms with our own mental issues along the way because being thin will not actually solve these problems. Sooner or later, we have to come to term with our "demons" whether we are fat or thin.

Oops, went on a tangent. So I told Amanda the following story in hopes of helping lift her spirits about her journey.

Kevin said...

I totally get it. You will go nuts looking at how long the road ahead of you is. Take it from someone who is MILES away from their goal, we CAN do it.

A short anecdote if I may ...

As a young boy, my Dad and I did a lot of hiking and climbing of mountains in Colorado. I was active in the boy scouts and we were constantly challenging ourselves to bigger and better accomplishments.

One of the many accomplishments I had as a boy scout was that I climbed Mount Harvard in Colorado. It is a fourteener. This means it is over 14,000 ft above sea level. Not only that, it is the fourth tallest mountain in America (outside of Alaska ... they got really big hills up there). As I was climbing that mountain, I was EXHAUSTED. It is hard to breathe at that altitude and you really have to persevere just to make it. I learned quickly that if I looked towards the summit, I would become disheartened and want to stop. Not only that, but there is a phenomenon called "false peaks". You could think you have made it to your goal, go over the ridge and see a whole bunch of mountain still ahead of you. How disheartening! I learned that to make it, I had to do two things.

First, I focused on my feet and the path before me. One foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward. Breathe. If you just keep it going like a machine, you can churn through some miles in a hurry.

Second, pause to look around you. Take in the scenery. Above timberline has some of the most incredible views you will ever see in life! Soak it in. Be renewed by the beauty all around you.

So let's apply this to our journey!

Focus on your feet! Focus on those things you can control. Journal. Exercise. Be active. All those little steps will churn through the miles. Work that machine!

Enjoy the scenery! Soak it in! You ARE healthier. You ARE improving. Do not be discouraged that you aren't on top of that mountain! The view from this location is also spectacular. You are no longer way down there at the bottom where the trees block your view. You are here. It is beautiful (as are you). Be invigorated by the accomplishment you have already made. It will push you to the end of your journey.

Keep your chin up baby! I'm rooting for you!

It is good advice for all of us. Focus on the now. If we spend too much time looking towards the future or how far we have to go, it can discourage us from doing what we so desperately need to do.

Well, I'm exhausted from all this schmoozing with the Square One folks. It has been a long 2 months and I am so excited to see what dividends can be reaped from this work. We kept our eyes on our feet and now I am enjoying the view.

-- Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

-- St. Francis of Assisi

Entry #13 - New Beginnings

-- If we shadows have offended, think but this; and all is mended ....

-- A Midsummer's Night Dream

First, I apologize to all who have been anxiously awaiting my latest post. Tardiness is not necessarily procrastination. As this post will describe, I have been very busy lately. As I hope you will see, it has been a labor of love. However, the projects of the past month and a half are beginning to wrap up and I should be able to make a habit of posting more frequently. I also apologize for the length of this post. As I have been away for awhile, I am filled with too much to tell.

I believe we left off with Thanksgiving. For a few weeks before Thanksgiving and ever since, my time has been monopolized with assisting my trainer and friend, Marty, with the creation of a grand experiment. Marty has been taking this plan from the barest hint of an idea or dream and turning it into reality. I have been fortunate enough to help him in this task.

-- Dreams are extremely important. You can't do it unless you imagine it.

-- George Lucas

Marty is creating a health club specifically designed to help what he has termed "People of Size." Does this mean "fat people"? Not necessarily. People of Size are people who have (or have had) well over 40-50 pounds to lose. People who were once big and have lost a lot of weight can still be named People of Size because they still have the same struggles they had before they lost the weight. They deal with food addiction as well as mental and emotional issues related to having been overweight. They will equally benefit from a place of health and weight management. This place is called Square One.

What a noble project! Obesity is arguably one of the biggest problems facing the country today and it is clear that people need help to change their circumstances. Square One aims to bring help to those who need and want it. If you have been reading this blog, you can find many examples of the benefits of the Square One program. Health, wellness, exercise and nutrition are merely the smallest parts of this program. Understanding, caring, support and friendship are the largest parts. Square One isn't a solo mission gym where you go, put your ear buds in, sweat to the tunes, and then go home. It is a community of people who understand the difficulties, struggles and temptations of a person fighting for better health.

It is also a tremendous risk. It is a health club designed to target people who, left to their own devices, will allow inertia to keep them at home on the couch doing nothing instead of getting up and taking those first few steps into a happier, more hopeful world. I have said it before in this blog and I will probably say it again, but I wish I could make people understand the dramatic difference in life. If they could feel the difference between Kevin of March 2011 and Kevin of December 2011, they would come running (well, maybe walking) to the health club. How do you convince someone who has given up that hope is possible? How can you make them understand that a long and arduous journey, with the right people and plenty of encouragement, can be a fantastically fun and rewarding one?

Well, I will hop off this soap box right after I let all my friends, family, and anyone else who has found this blog know that there is hope. Go to www.square1club.com for information. Come to the health club to see it for yourself. That first step is always the hardest, but I cannot stress it enough .... it IS worth all that effort and more! The benefits are too valuable.

-- God sells us all things at the price of labor.

-- Leonardo da Vinci

So, it has been a month and a half of painting, shopping, sanding, building, organizing, lifting, wiring, and whatever else was needed. I would like to say that I am a handyman extraordinaire who whipped through these tasks with ease. I must admit that I struggle to hammer a nail into a board straight without losing a thumb, two fingers and sometimes a toe. Marty had the expertise and I had a talent for handing him the right tool when he asked for it, clean up the mess when a certain project was finished, or remember where we put those darn tape measures (usually wherever the last project was). It was a good thing that Marty's history was in building sets for high school theater rather than working with a construction crew. I compare very poorly against a fine craftsman, but I am pretty sure I can be of more use than teeny boppers trying to look good in front of their friends (maybe). It was a lot of fun to see how these projects went from idea to reality. I learned a lot and enjoyed nearly every minute of it.

I discovered both joy and pain in the condition of my body during this time. On one end, working for hours on end was a previously impossible task for me. I could barely sit for hours a day in my old condition. On the other end, I am still a heavy person who found that standing for large portions of the day caused great pain in my back, legs and feet. I struggled to continue to be of use. I was shamed every time I had to disengage so I could sit down for awhile. I wanted to be the superman who could help with everything all day, every day. Reality, however, assured me that I have limitations and ignoring them would be paid for with pain and suffering. Ok. So that is a little melodramatic. But I really did have some days in which I paid dearly for overworking myself.

We were also assisted by several of my bootcamp friends. This made many tasks a lot more entertaining. We could chat and joke around while we kept things moving forward towards completion. The largest topic of conversation among these ladies was Bootcamp Prom. Yes, you heard me correctly .... Prom. I have to make a confession here. I thought that having a prom for adults was a ridiculous idea. I had been to several proms in my past and didn't see the need to attend another. However, it was important to these friends of mine so I worked diligently to help get the health club ready for a early December prom. It was close, but we made it. Even though I was fighting exhaustion all evening, I had a fabulous time at the prom and have to admit that I am glad I attended.

-- I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

-- Bob Hope

The past month and a half wasn't all peaches and cream. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I hit a plateau. That continued for several weeks and I was getting really frustrated. Eventually, the long days working on Square One payed off with more weight lost. I am sure to have these plateaus in the future as well and I do not look forward to them. They beat you up emotionally. Here you are working hard to move quickly towards your goals and suddenly the scale stops moving. It feels like all the work is for nothing. You want to cry in frustration at the seeming hopelessness of it all.

-- Chaos is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence.

-- Buddha

Plateaus can really shake your faith that you can make it to your destination. Imagine you are walking from Omaha to Denver when all of a sudden, you are walking on a treadmill for several days. Now, sometimes you are on that treadmill because you forgot to stay on the path. Other times, you simply need to walk faster to get past the treadmill and back onto normal ground. Either way, you are annoyed at the time wasted. It is important to note, however, that if you managed to stay on track, at least you didn't head back east for a time.

This brings us to Christmas. Christmas was a challenging idea. Our family Christmas is full of opportunities for misbehavior. Tradition holds that Christmas Eve will be a time for a fatty, caloric meal and the frosting/eating of Christmas Cookies. This year, I managed to evade the cookies by spending that time cooking a healthy alternative for my Christmas morning. I managed to make it through our dinner by sticking with salad and the leaner parts of the meal. Christmas morning normally has another high calorie meal of egg casserole and cinnamon rolls. Ok, let's be honest, there is no healthy alternative for cinnamon rolls. So, I just put those out of my mind. For the egg casserole, I substituted a healthy quiche recipe that Marty shared with me (thanks Amanda for posting it, I needed it to remind me of the process). It allowed me to eat one sixth of a brownie pan for less than 250 calories. What a great substitute! It is loaded with lean protein (egg whites), flavor (green/red/orange peppers, mushrooms, turkey sausage, etc), and in such a large portion size, it seems a feast. Santa substituted protein bars, sugarless gum, and Muscle Milk for the normal stocking stuffers of candy.

It felt good to make some healthy changes. What is more exciting is that I really didn't miss the old ways. Ok, ok, I must be honest. I did have one Christmas cookie and I did manage to sneak some of the "leaded" egg casserole (I like mine better, sorry mom). I started to beat myself up for those mistakes. However, while I acknowledge my guilt and weakness so I can work on it, I also forgive myself those errors because even with them, this was by far the healthiest Christmas I've had in years.

-- We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

-- author unknown

I think I will just touch on New Year's and then call this a finished post. It feels like I am leaving a lot out of my story for these past few weeks, but it is the price I pay for not keeping current. I forget things. Not only that, the past few weeks have been pretty repetitive (sleep, work on Square One, then back to sleep). I have enjoyed it but it doesn't creating riveting drama. :)

The night before New Year's Eve, as I lay in bed, I began to cry. Now, don't feel sorry for me because it is what I would call a "good cry". I have absolutely no idea what sent my mind down this thought process, but I had begun to realize the difference between this New Year and the ones before. For close to 14 years, I have dreaded the New Year's Eve party. I felt no reason to celebrate. I wasn't going to kiss anyone at midnight (still didn't this year, but one thing at a time okay?). I wasn't looking forward to any grand prospects for my future. I was more in a mindset that each year was going to be worse than the previous one. And based off many of these years, I couldn't wrap my mind around how it was going to get worse than what I already experienced.

The last two were particularly bad. Two years ago, I attempted to go to Colorado with two friends of mine. We hit a patch of ice and rolled my car. Everyone was fine, but my New Year was colored with a sadness for having had an accident that could have killed my friends, the fact that I didn't have a car and had to "borrow" one from dad, and my normal depression at looking down the barrel of another year ... alone ... getting fatter ... getting closer to death. Sound depressing? It was. And every year got worse. Last year, I was neck deep in my depression about having no job, no life, no relationship, no mobility, and was feeling closer to death than ever. It was the worst New Year's reflection of my life (and hopefully always will be).

So in my bed on the eve of New Year's eve, I found myself crying because I had realized that this was the first year in over a decade that I was looking forward to the next year. I knew I had looked forward to new years in the past, but it had been so long that I hardly remembered what it felt like. I don't mean to imply that all my past friends and their New Year's celebrations weren't fun. I did have a good time. I was just a good deal more depressed than I let on. Now, I have things to look forward to. I am thinner than I was last New Year's (another radical first). I have more energy, health and have added a great group of friends to my already wonderful gang. I can see a chance that this next year will be a darn site better than the last. What a fantastic possibility!

At this point, it behooves me to thank some of those who have made it possible. I won't stick to my normal litany from previous posts. We all know the Wolffs and my family are wonderful. I need to thank my bootcamp buddies. Your friendship, support, example, and inspiration are a large part of the reason why this new year affords so much possibility. I might have said something about it at the party, but I don't think I could have done it without getting choked up.

I know that a large number of you still think of yourselves as having troubles or failures in your journey this last year. It isn't fair. You shouldn't be able to think that. I have seen the 2010 pictures and I have seen the beautiful chicks I now know. What amazing progress! I know it is next to impossible, but can you imagine how much better we would all feel if we could get as much charge out of our successes as we seem to be drained by our failures? Think about that! If we gave ourselves as much credit for the things we do right as we beat ourselves up for our failures, we would be taken to the loony bin for walking around with stupid grins on our faces all the time!

So here is my New Year's toast to all my family and friends: May we all remember to count our blessings and forget to list our problems. May we all revel in our successes and forgive our failures. May we learn from our defeats so we may turn them into victories. And lastly, may we identify our weaknesses so we may be made stronger by knowing them. In the end, we can overcome anything! I love you all!

-- Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy New Year!

Entry #12 - Thanksgiving

-- Appreciation is the highest form of prayer, for it acknowledges the presence of good wherever you shine the light of your thankful thoughts.

-- Alan Cohen

It is late after a very fun Thanksgiving with my family. As is the custom with this holiday, I should take a moment to review the many things for which I can be thankful. What a difference a year can make!!

I am the same as most people. I can give the same list of thanks that most people can give. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for my health. But in this year, each of these areas require greater explanation and a measure of reflection on just how much they have meant to me in the past months.

-- The children have been a wonderful gift to me, and I'm thankful to have once again seen our world through their eyes. They restore my faith in the family's future.

-- Jackie Kennedy

My family is a fantastic group of people. If I am not careful, it is easy to take them for granted. Brian and Brenda give me joy in the raising of five wonderful children with whom I thoroughly enjoy sharing my time and diversions. Michael and Jacob have been fun playmates for many years. Michael shares a love of football and as a toddler was an anchor that helped keep me sane through some very tough times. For that, he receives my thanks. Jacob shares a love of Star Wars and video games and is a favorite pal for reliving my youth. Erin and Rich have also provided some fun playmates that give me socially acceptable reasons to enjoy cartoons, coloring and playing with toys. Elizabeth is my beautiful princess who keeps me humble by letting me know I am the silliest person she knows. And I am never at a loss for planning what to do with her, because she will tell me what to do (just like her mother). :) Ben is absolutely hilarious and is another Star Wars convert. Just this week, I was able to relive a favorite memory of my youth by introducing him to Superman and the joys of safety pinning a towel around your neck and whooshing around the house. Brandon is just becoming interesting and renews my faith in the wide-eyed innocence of youth. It is so fun to walk with him and see him get interested in the feel of bark on a tree or the mesmerizing joy of seeing a cat or dog that might let him pet them. My parents are also a joy. They are amazing examples of how I should live my life. They are generous to a fault and a cute (and sometimes nauseating) example of a couple in love. It is fun to watch them act like teenagers in love one minute and in the next, they are veterans who know exactly how to work together to get things done. For this and innumerable other reasons, I give thanks for my family.

-- Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

-- Marcel Proust

My friends are an enormous joy in my life. They give love and support when needed and fun and diversion at all times. A tragedy of this year is that the other intangibles of life have kept us too busy to hang out as much as I would like. However, despite this, I know that they will still be there for me when I need them. And I them. In many ways, friends are a sore subject with me of late. For the upcoming Saturday looms in my mind like an impending tragedy. My best friend of 30 years is set to move out of town. Brad has been a rock in my most trying of times and someone whom I can always call upon for a night out or just an ear for my problems. Despite my sadness at this change in our circumstance, I cannot help but be happy for him. He has found love in his new wife and embarks on a new adventure as an expectant father. As his best friend, I know that these life changes are huge milestones in his life. He has always wanted to start his own family. So I cannot, in good faith, be anything but overjoyed that he has found Mindi and started this new path in life. It is an overused phrase that God closes no door without opening a window, but this is really what has happened with me lately. I have found a new group of friends in my bootcamp family with whom I am finding great support, love and fun. They can never replace Brad or my other busy friends, but why would they have to? I still have those friends. They do, however, give me a way to fill some of the voids left by these other life events. For all these friends and the many rewards they give me (and I hope I can in some measure reward them as well), I am extremely thankful.

-- The first wealth is health.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

For the first time in more years than I care to count, I am thankful for my health. This blog lists a great many of the reasons why this is true. My gracious feelings surround all aspects of my life. I am thankful to Erin for gently nudging me to this course of action. I am thankful for my parents for their genuine support in my new life. Dad finances my efforts while Mom helps with my nutritional needs. Without this support, things would be extremely difficult if not impossible. My bootcamp family gives me support and inspiration that I so desperately need to keep going when things get rough. They also give me a sense of belonging and understanding that is crucial to my efforts. Lastly, I have to give thanks to Marty and with him Amy and Blaine. Amy and Blaine give up so much of their time with their loved one so that I may have my trainer and friend. I cannot overstate what their selfless sacrifice means to me. It is the kind of love that you hear about in songs. They believe in Marty and his mission to help others so much that they willingly give the most precious gift to so many of us. The gift of life. Marty has been a huge part of my life during the last 7 months. He has taught me so much and also become a dear and respected friend. What can you say about someone who so generously gives of himself just so you can live a longer and more pleasurable life? A cynic could cite that he does this as a job and is payed for his efforts. But the payment given is a paltry sum when compared to the priceless gift given. What price can one place on life? How much does hope cost? Marty, you are one of the greatest gifts in my life and I sincerely thank you for all the beatings :), teachings, and friendship you have so freely offered me. I hope that I can live up to the respect and promise that you seem to see in me.

-- Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.

-- W.T. Purkiser

My health changes were really exemplified in the brand new way that I was able to celebrate this holiday this year. In the past, Thanksgiving was a time to impressively overeat, then sit on a couch and moan over my distended stomach while watching football. I would wait for the moment when I would have digested enough to go back for that afternoon turkey sandwich or extra helping of dessert. This is no more. Instead, I had a more sensible Thanksgiving meal and then a large portion of my family had an incredibly fun time enjoying the beautiful weather outside. For the first time I can remember, we followed our meal with an active activity. We started with a walk around Walnut Lake. I was able to push Brandon's stroller around on my own and watch his fascination with everything he was seeing. I was able to do some jogging which Brandon found immensely entertaining as he was able to chase down his siblings on the paths around the lake. Then Dad wanted to walk to Walnut Grove park (a park that is some distance away from the house). We took the whole family down there and play on the play equipment. I was able to do so without pain or second thought. We played on the swings and with the football. Dad asked me if I was having fun participating in this outdoor affair and I genuinely admitted that I was. He asked if I was dreading the walk back and I sincerely responded "no". My body was now able to handle the hiking and playing without reservation. We had a fantastic time and it was a great way to burn off some of the calories that we had eaten.

My heart is overflowing with the joy I experienced today and the many changes in my life. My family, friends, and health are combining to give me a new lease on life. It is now my job to fulfill the promise they see in me and further increase the possibilities that this new lifestyle can provide. In the end, I do it for myself. I selfishly want this to be better. Next year, I want to be able to race the kids around the tree in the park. I want to be able to play football with the older boys, chase the younger ones, and someday ... an evil little part of me wants to walk so fast that my Dad has trouble keeping up. :) He has always outstripped my own talents in healthful pursuits. Soon, I hope to be the one saying, "come on! Keep up!" LOL It continues to baffle me that I truly believe this is possible. This is the hope that I have spoken of in previous posts. It is such a great feeling to see an open vista before me. A world of possibility instead of restriction. I am a lucky, lucky person. And very, very thankful.

-- As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily. The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.

-- Terri Guillemets

Entry #11 - Ugh, Clothes Shopping

-- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

-- Mark Twain

It is a well known fact, among my friends and family, that I detest clothes shopping. It is the bane of the fat person. You have to go try on clothes that often don't fit. Not only that, but when you are as big as I am, many of the clothes you desire do not come in your size. One of the saddest events of my ever growing size was when I no longer fit in clothes at the Casual Male store, also known as the big and tall store even though I have never seen tall people in there. :) I was forced to buy clothes from an online source and often received clothes with loose threads and sometimes even holes in them. Being a captive audience and having immediate need for the clothes, I would often just keep these shoddy garments and deal with the fact that they were sub-par.

Let's start with the positive. The reason I was clothes shopping is my current wardrobe is becoming a problem for being too big (there's a new experience)! The neck holes of my workout shirts are so large that I am often in danger of having them expose one shoulder, giving me the appearance of a dancer from Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical" video. While I enjoy the '80s, this is a look I can do without. Additionally, I decided to try to shop at the Casual Male again. A store I have not so affectionately called Omaha Tent and Awning. I was happy to find that I was once again solidly in their "big" category, but able to buy their clothing. One final positive of this affair was that I was happy to find that in most clothing items I was two sizes smaller than I had been a few short months ago. While on this journey, I must revel in these moments to motivate me to future successes.

-- They can because they think they can.

-- Vergil

Now to the negatives. I hate, hate, hate clothes shopping. It is a hassle to go and try on clothes. It is always an aggravation to deal with the limited options that they have there. Plus, the Casual Male has clearly decided that all fat men are either comic book nerds, drunks, or happily fat people because all their t-shirts seem to either be superheroes, alcohol advertisements or statements meant to shout out "I'm fat and I'm proud" (a feeling I have never shared). However, the biggest negative I've found with my shopping is that the Casual Male KNOWS that you have to shop there. The lack of other options for the fat person means they can charge you anything they want for their clothing. Now, being a capitalist myself, I am willing to admit that there should be some markup for the fact that we do require more fabric in the making of our clothing. But $70 pants and $50 shirts make me want to scream. These are not designer labels. They are not made of gold thread! Why is it acceptable that my 1 shirt, 1 pair of workout pants, 1 pair of jeans, and a belt would cost $280?!?! I don't have a lot of money and this made it so I could not replace all the clothes that I needed to replace. So, I will have to continue to risk the appearance of the '80's female aerobics chick at all my workouts. I am sure there will be pictures if I do.

That being said, I am happy that I am fitting into smaller clothes. I have also managed to get enough clothing to deal with the cold weather and get myself to Christmas where I will be asking my family for new and smaller clothes.

-- As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do.

-- Zachary Scott

On to a happier subject .... Halloween! A lot of my bootcamp family were worried about this holiday, especially those with children. It is a problem for the food addict to be surrounded by that much candy. They must find ways to work around this because no one wants to rob their children of the joy this holiday can be. So what do you do? Many gave out candy and then when the hour grew late, they just dumped the remainder into a child's bag. While this probably made some kid's day, it probably annoyed their parents. :) Those with children bringing home candy were making plans to lock it up and let their less addicted spouses control the flow of candy from locked cupboard to child. This is a great plan. I am fortunate enough not to have to deal with this problem and ... oddly enough ... candy really holds no power over me. I rarely crave it and don't feel deprived if I don't have any. In this regard, I am extremely fortunate.

This Halloween was a landmark holiday for me. I have four nephews and one niece ranging in ages from 1 to 15 years of age. This year marks the very first time I was in good enough shape to walk the neighborhood with the trick or treat troupe!! I could focus on the negative side of this and be depressed about the years of trick or treating that I missed with my older nephews. Those are years and events I can never get back. Instead, I rejoice at my ability to carry Super Brandon (dressed as Superman) and watch SpiderBen and Princess Elizabeth go door to door. In the end, I did not go far because SpiderBen lost steam early so I took him and SuperBrandon home while Princess Elizabeth and her dad continued on the incredibly important quest for candy. However, I am happy to note that I was not too tired to continue. I could have gone to many more houses if they had wanted. I am so excited that this is one of the moments that I can now share. No longer will I be forced to stay at Erin's house passing out the candy to kids I don't know while everyone else goes out for the fun. I am also happy to announce that I made it through the evening having only eaten one M&M. 1-year old Brandon thought it would be nice to share and shoved one in my mouth.

-- Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

-- Walter Elliott

Lately, I have been battling a strange fatigue with my workouts. It isn't that I don't want to work out. It isn't that I hurt. It is just that when I go to my workouts my body doesn't seem to want to do as much as I want it to do. I think it is probably diet. Additionally, the pounds have not been coming off like I would like them to do. I have broken away from journaling so I have rededicated myself to that act in hopes of getting back on track with rapid weight loss and to track the foods I am eating to see if there is a nutritional reason for this fatigue. In the final analysis, this is simply a plateau. I need to work myself through it and keep going. Have I gained weight? No. Am I still losing weight? Yes. So things are still moving in the right direction. I just want it to move faster. At this pace, it would take years to get to my target weight. I understand it will take time, but I would like it to be as quick as humanly possible.

I continue to be hopeful that this blog will be helpful or inspiring to others. I have received some nice feedback from many people about it. My bootcamper family says that it does help them and I dearly hope that it does. And yet, I am not satisfied. I am ever hopeful that it will spark other people into starting this journey. I know what it is like to be overweight and all the negative self images and feelings that go along with that. I am a first hand example of the nearly immediate change these workouts can do for those images and feelings. If I could simply implant my mindset into the minds of others, they would join immediately just so they could experience the change from depression and hopelessness to joy and hope. Food addiction and depression really don't stand a chance when viewed with the positives of shopping for smaller clothes and walking with the children on Halloween. Someday, I hope I can impress upon all my larger loved ones that their lives will be changed by the simple effort of trying. One success leads to two. Two lead to hope. Hope leads to a future.

-- Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

-- John Wooden

How many of us large people have had the thought "I just have to live with the fact that I will always be fat. I will die younger than I should and that's just the way it is." IT ISN'T TRUE! You can do something about it. You don't have to run out and do a marathon. You don't have sacrifice your body to the effort. You simply have to be willing to move and change. Move your body and change your habits. The changes come more quickly than you might think. Choose life rather than accepting what is. Choose action not victimization. Choose hope over regret. It will make all the difference in the world.

-- Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-- Dylan Thomas